This humorous essay by Cindy Argiento, along with one titled “Honesty Will Kill a Relationship,” are published in the most recent Chicken Soup for the Soul: Married Life.)
“You gonna wear that?” is the question I have asked my husband many times over the span of our marriage. After 22 years of marriage I find it amazing that the man thinks a pair of clean underwear and a new tie meet the business casual dress code requirements.
Once again the other night getting ready for an evening out I looked at him and asked, “Are you gonna wear that jacket?” “I was planning on it. Why? What’s wrong with my jacket? You told me you like this jacket.” “Yes, I told you I like the jacket, back in 1980 when I met you. Now it’s old, worn, faded and small on you; besides I thought we got rid of it. Where did you find it?” “I found it on the floor of my closet. I forgot it was there until today when I decided to clean out my closet rather than listen to your constant nagging one more minute.” “I only nagged you to pick up your underwear since you ran out and the pile on the floor was obstructing the television. It was a choice of doing laundry or running to the store to buy new underwear.” Oh, that reminds me, next time you go to the store pick me up some underwear.”
“You gonna wear those sneakers?” “I was planning on it; they’re my dressy sneakers. Why? What’s wrong with my sneakers?” “Well, since tonight is formal, you should wear shoes. I don’t remember those sneakers. Where did you get them?” “I got them under the jacket in the closet.” “Oh.” “Do you think I should give the jacket to our son?” “No, he won’t want it.” “Why won’t he want it?” “Well, for one thing, he has taste. We could bury it tomorrow along with the sneakers. Now go put on a pair of dress shoes.” “I wear dress shoes to work.” “Yes, dear, I know, but you work from home now, remember?” “Yeah, so now there are boxes of untouched shoes in my closet.” “The only shoes you wear now are slippers, and you have yet to scrape off the dead spider that you crushed and is still dangling from the bottom of the right one.” “I’ll change.”
“You gonna wear that tie?” “I was planning on it. It has some green in it which matches my shirt. Why? What’s wrong with my tie?” “It has green in it because it’s a Christmas tie decorated with Christmas trees.” “Well, you gave me it to wear.” “Yes, at Christmas time, not the middle of July. Put it back and pick out a different tie. Hey, where are you going with the tie?” “I’m planning to go to the bathroom to hang myself with it before you look at the red socks I’m wearing that you gave me for Valentine’s Day.”
“Oh, one last suggestion, while you’re in there you should change the undershirt I gave you for Halloween. The pumpkins show through your shirt. Hey, there’s no need to slam the door; I’m only trying to help. What’s going on in there? Is that the window I hear? If you’re sneaking out again, I’ll meet you in front with the car. I’ll get your coat. Do you want the one missing a button or the one with the broken zipper? Oh we really need to go shopping.”
— Cindy Argiento
Cindy Argiento, author of Deal With Life’s Stresses With a Little Humor, writes a blog, “Cindy’s World.”