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Ode to a sneeze

Flu season is here. Bathe in Purell. Do not kiss anyone unless it is Tonto in a mask. Wear fashionable gloves day and night. Unless you are on your honeymoon and staying in your room 24/7, postpone hugging.

While every possible precaution must be taken to avoid this dangerous virus, I encourage you to catch a cold. Yes, my friends, the common cold.  Why it is called the common cold is beyond me as even a Duke and a Duchess have been caught in its clutches. Yet it is the very best thing that can happen to you. It benefits your body, which is crying out for love.

Grownups rarely cry. Sure, when they lose at golf or a caterer runs out of cake, tears may flow, but even then, it’s not too often. It’s too bad. The truth is, a cold gives one an opportunity to revert to a childish state: to be pampered and cared for. It permits the strongest people to let go without tarnishing their reputation.

Here are a few documented medical examples:

One man literally strikes fear wherever he journeys. He is a tyrant and a huge troublemaker. Yet when he is at home with a bad cold, he sucks his thumb and calls his wife “Mommy.”

An actress who played the warden in prison films permits her mate 24 hours to be sick, prepares chicken soup and allows him to moan, “I’m dying, I’m dying” every hour on the hour while she rocks him in her mattress-size arms. The next day, she makes the bed and pushes him out the door. This one day keeps him functioning for the rest of the year. He is often seen without a jacket on wintry days, stepping in puddles and sleeping with a wet head stuck out an open window praying for a relapse.

Historical Fact:
The reason some battles are called “Cold Wars” is because the need for love was not met. It might have been avoided if opposing sides could stay home and get a little cuddling. And really, who feels like fighting with a runny nose?

My Advice:
If someone sneezes, don’t just say “Gesundheit.” Understand that this person craves compassion. Be gentle, but no kissing. Unless you yourself feel needy, in which case, place a lip-lock.

When you do catch a cold, get into a cuddly bed and collapse. You can drink liquids or not. It doesn’t matter whether you stand on your head singing the Kardashian National Anthem, your cold will last two to seven days or as long as you need it. That’s it. Call me in the morning and leave your insurance information.

P. S. If you happen to have an extra Kleenex coupon, send it. Along with some cough drops and…a spare lover!

— Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall is the author of her second satirical survival book, Dancin, Schmancin with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! She’s a columnist, certified clinical hypnotherapist and motivational speaker. This piece, reposted by permission, appears on her blog.

Reflections of Erma