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Twitter twaddle

(Mary Farr’s newly published Never Say Neigh is told through the mouth of a wise and witty horse, Noah. Noah’s tongue-in-cheek blog on the challenge of tweeting with his hooves is reposted by permission.)

The release of my new book has prompted me to pause and reflect on this unexpected and occasionally awkward path I’ve chosen as an author. Well… awkward for a horse anyway. A case in point: social media.

Yes, social media is a must for aspiring aspirers. Whether pitching fat-free cupcakes or kitty house training curriculums, everyone seems to be jumping into online self-promotion. Frankly, I had high hopes for my Equine Epicurean blog until Google Analytics informed me that my recipes contained too much fiber for anyone under the age of 70.

Anyhoo, I now find myself grappling with a dainty iMac keyboard designed for dainty fingers not hooves. Take WordPress, for example. When Madam told me it was my job to manage the “back door” of my WordPress website, I thought she meant the back door—that place where the Waconia Co-op drops off my groceries. But no, instead I’m busy uploading blog posts and trying to size photos smaller than the barn door. A recent attempt to post a glamor shot of myself resulted in a close up of my left nostril.

Then there’s the Facebook challenge. Though I’m never short of things to say, getting the words right side up on the screen presents a technical quagmire for a horse. That and the fact that fans ask me bewildering questions such as, “Can I come to work for you?” Or, “Will you marry me?” Or “What musical instrument to you play?” Following that last question, a band director from Fargo offered to teach me how to play a trombone. It’s a mystery.

So, my friend Gabe the cribbage whiz said he would help me set up a Twitter account. By the way, Gabe spends a lot of time online studying cribbage CliffsNotes. This explains why he never loses a game. Due to his technical expertise, I assumed he knew something about Twitter. He did, or at least he set up the account. Then he took off and left me to manage it.

Let me just say that my first Twitter follower was a woman who called herself “Sweet Cheeks” and wanted to meet me under the Yum Yum tree. The next arrival claimed her name was “Anything Goes.” This one included a photo of herself as evidence that anything and everything had already gone. Her dress, that was. Me oh my, it was time to change my profile from tall, dark and handsome fellow to tall, dark and handsome gelding.  It’s another social media mystery.

Meanwhile it’s almost noon, and I have yet to post anything original on Linkedin.

— Noah Vail

Noah Vail and Mary Farr have collaborated on the newly published book, Never Say Neigh: An Adventure in Fun, Funny and the Power of You. Noah, author, philosopher, humorist, gin rummy ace and all-around “good news sort of guy” blogs here.

Reflections of Erma