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Trouble on the Verizon

Since I am a Verizon customer, the news that my phone records may have undergone surveillance has led me to change the way I converse on my phone.  (Yes, I know that’s a bit like shutting the barn door after the cow has escaped.)  I love Verizon’s product.  I never have dropped calls, and their coverage area is great.  I suppose it was those very reasons that led to this “alleged” government surveillance.

If I were a bad guy, I would need a reliable system to plan my capers.  But what about us non-bad guys?  What about those of us who use our phone to convey information to other non-threatening types?  Aren’t we likely to be misunderstood?  The answer is, yes.  I am routinely misunderstood by those who know me best, so what happens if the government tries to listen in and figure out what in the world I am talking about when my husband and I are on the phone?

The obvious answer is: Bob could use any help they can give him.  Beyond that, though, I have drafted a plan to confuse anyone listening to me.  I have a code that I now use when speaking with Bob on my cell phone. Unfortunately, I could not text it to him as then it could fall into the wrong hands.  I thought it may be helpful for you in your efforts to fly beneath the radar.

When I ask “Are you coming home from work on time,” I really mean, “Why is the government involved in baseball’s doping problem?”

When I say, “We need to go out on a date tonight,” I really mean, “I’m afraid the IRS is going to audit us.”

When I say, “It’s raining here,” I really mean, “I can’t believe our taxes are so stinking high.”

Yesterday when I was on the phone with Bob, I suddenly said, “Hi President Obama!”  That, I’m sure, caused a lot of confusion.  At least it did for Bob.

Think about this, if Gill Bates (catch that?  It’s simple but effective in baffling listeners) had used code in verbal language and not just computer language, maybe the Microsoft anti-trust/monopoly situation could have been averted.  On a side note, I trust Microsoft; and with the exception of Windows Vista, they have provided me with a lot of great computer stuff (hope I’m not too technical here).  On the other hand, I am pretty much over the game of Monopoly.  It takes too long to play and unless I monopolize the red properties and own all four railroads, I generally lose.

I’ll close here with things I regularly say to Bob that could be misconstrued by somebody who is tapping my phone.

1. The package has arrived.

2. Please stop and get money from the bank today.

3. The garbage men are picking up the trash.

4. There’s a snake in our grass.

5. I’m doing the laundry.

6. I’m going to a tea party.

7. There is a new bird on my feeder.

8. Bring home some tacos.

9. The mailman is late again.

10. I need to pick up my sister from the airport.

I’m sure I’m not being overly paranoid, but just in case, please delete this blog post after you read, comment on it and share it with your friends.  Thank you.

— Bonnie Anderson

Bonnie Anderson, of Orlando, blogs at Life on the Lighter Side: Viewed With a Dash of Humor and Sprinkled With Sarcasm. She’s currently working on a novel for middle schoolers. ” My perspective on life keeps me chuckling; that’s what fuels my blog,” she says.

Reflections of Erma