Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig. I’ve been besotted by them ever since I heard them purr, “Bond. James Bond.” I’m a sucker for men with British accents. And men who look good in tuxedos.
What’s not to like? Bonds are like wild, exotic animals. Elusive, dangerous, powerful, elegant…sexy. One kiss from them and you’re sure to be swept off your feet faster than you can whisper “Shaken, not stirred.” 007 has skills.
My only issue with Bond is that none of them ever chose me to be their lithe, lovely, provocatively named Bond Girl.
Why pick me, you say? Well, I’m smart, savvy, well seasoned, and I’ve got something those ultra-slim sirens before me don’t have — Spanx. That’s right, just think of the weaponry I could hide in there. And I’ve got skills. Super Momma Skills, like eyes in the back of my head and super sonic hearing. I’m also impervious to pain — I have walked on Legos. Barefoot.
I can do all those things a young beautiful Bond girl can do, and then some. Not only can I look quite fetching in a ball gown, I can run in heels, and catch things flung at my head in midair, even while driving. (Anyone who’s had a toddler knows what I mean.)
Years of raising teenagers has made me a formidable ally. I am acutely aware when someone wants something (especially money) or is hiding something (like the truth). More importantly, I’m dangerous and mysterious. Just ask the ladies at See’s Candy. They never know what I’m going to ask for or when I’m coming in. U-huh. Dan-ger-ous.
You’re probably wondering, can this delicate creature handle a weapon? Well, you and MI6 can rest assured that from what I have been told, I am quite handy — quite handy, indeed — with a weapon. I’m not bad with a panini maker either. Oh, yes, Mr. Bond, you would be in good hands.
I also have a secret weapon. I can make him laugh. How many Bond Girls can say that? After a stressful day making the world a safer place, Mr. Bond could use a martini and some comic relief.
I might not be as young as the lovely creatures 007 is used to frolicking with, but I think our newest Bond — the ruggedly handsome Daniel Craig — is ready for a mature woman like me. We have a lot in common, you know. We’re both in our 40s, we both like martinis, we both use eye-cream. Of course, I’d have one of those naughty Bond Girl names. Just call me Experiencia. Multa Experiencia.
— Linda Wolff
Linda Wolff writes the blog Carpool Goddess where she shares her adventures from carpool to empty nest. She no longer drives carpool, but that’s our little secret. Her work has appeared on Huffington Post, Yahoo! Shine, Scary Mommy, Better After 50, Generation Fabulous and others. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.