When hell breaks loose,
blame it on the tooth fairy
It is with a heavy heart today that I announce, the tooth fairy has been unmasked.
I’ve been busted.
You can hand me the cone of shame anytime now.
We all know who the tooth fairy is, right? Sometimes it’s the man of the house, sometimes it’s the one who thinks she’s always right. Ahem. Whut?!
In our house, it has always been me. Why? Because I think I make a better looking tooth fairy. And all these years, due to unexplainable sentimental hoarding, I have kept my son’s teeth in a tiny tin box. If somebody out there is doing the same thing, I implore you, get rid of them NOW! I don’t know if you’ve noticed it, but little people are skilled at finding stuff you don’t want them to see. My kids have proven this so many times, but it looks like I have never learned my lesson.
I’ve held on to his choppers.
The kid found the secret box.
And I lied my way out.
“Huh? What do you mean you found your teeth? Those are mine! And you are not supposed to touch mom’s things!”
“Why do you still have those?”
“Because my mom never told me about the tooth fairy and had I known, I would have been rich by now considering the number I have left. Pfft. “
“They sure look like mine.”
“All teeth look the same.”
When I got home from work yesterday morning, I asked my son to remove my dandruff pluck my grey hairs while I try to get some sleep. So I was sprawled on the bed, reading blogs on my phone, waiting for sleep to take over when I chanced upon Cristina’s post (which you should read, btw) where she spoke about parenting, teeth and the tooth fairy. Now, even if commenting using my phone requires mad skills, I just HAD TO COMMENT and share my expertise in these departments, too.
I kept all my son’s teeth and one day he found my secret box and confronted me about it. I told him they were mine, when he said they look like his, I dropped the subject. I’m classy like that. LOL
Now because of the sensitivity of the topic, I didn’t want my son to see what I was reading or typing in the comments, so I was holding the phone very close to my face, as close as I could without crossing my eyes, about three inches away from my eyeballs, but the kid still managed to read what I wrote. Gawd! This kid should be a spy when he grows up!!
“MOM! So it was just you!
And my heart stopped.
“IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG!” Imagine this coming from a boy with a smile that refused to conceal the disappointment in his heart.
“Mom, it was just you!” He was laughing but I knew better.
“WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? What are you doing peeking on my phone! You are supposed to be looking for my dandruff grey hairs!”
Groan. Mama, you are BUSTED.
“IT WAS JUST YOU! MOMMY!!!! No wonder I only got 20 pesos!
Okay, I get that. I’m cheap.
“And one time, there was money under the pillow, but my tooth was still there! AND THE LAST TIME, THERE WAS NO MONEY AT ALL!!!”
Now, I am not good with confrontations and issues and when hell breaks loose, I get disoriented. When that happens, I laugh.
My son was laughing, too, but there was something in his eyes that broke my heart. Sweet baby Jesus. Get me out of this predicament. Puhlease!
“Are you mad at me?” I managed to ask when laughing became too painful to continue.
I just hugged him and kissed him and hugged him some more.
“It’s because the tooth fairy stopped coming for your teeth when you turned 3.”
Where the f*** did that come from?
“and I didn’t want you to feel sad so I made sure to put money under your pillow each time you lost a tooth.”
GAWD. Liar. Just. stop. talking.
“Can I go now? I don’t feel like getting your dandruff grey hairs anymore.”
“Sure honey, remember I LOVE YOU.”
Isn’t parenting sweet?
— Jhanis V.
Jhanis V. shares stories from her third-world kitchen that will make you laugh. Or cringe. You will find more of her writings here. She’s featured in 2014 Top 10 Voice Boks — Comedy Edition.