Madam rang this morning to report that she needed my advice. Truthfully, she probably just wanted to vent. It seemed that her First Born had embarked on an Alaskan tour a few days ago and left Madam in charge of two cats.
This might not sound like a tricky matter. However, Madam called to report that three days into the assignment, she had already locked herself out of the First Born’s house. No spare key stashed under the hostas. No friendly neighbor offering coffee and a box of burglary tools. It was just Madam and two domestic shorthairs staring at one another through the glass door. She paced up and down the front walk, while the cats batted at unsuspecting squirrels from behind a secured window.
Did I mention that the domestic shorthairs don’t particularly like one another? Actually, that’s an understatement. These two would rather share a litter box with a pit bull than nap together in the same house.
“So, do they have enough food and water?” I queried once Madam had shared the lockout details.
“Yes, yes, but they need their medicine,” she wailed. “I have strict orders to swipe their ears with a calming potion once daily. And that’s not all. The two need to be separated. The diminutive female hangs out in the bedroom with the door closed. The plump fellow lives under the dining room table, where he spends most of his time trying to figure out how to bust into the bedroom.”
“Why?” I inquired. If memory serves, these felines met two years ago. After a year of tearful veterinary calls, three animal behaviorist consultations, calming kitty cooking classes, and a Bose radio tuned to soothing music, one would think they could find their way to a truce.
“And, another thing,” fumed Madam, “pheromones. I can’t find the pheromone plug-in that goes in the wall outlet – that thingy that’s supposed to make Miss kitty feel more comfortable around the obese rabble-rouser.”
Oh dear, cat counseling is not exactly my forte. Then, just as Madam was about to dispatch her next kitty diatribe, a deafening shriek pierced the airways.
“ADT,” she reported evenly. “The cats have set off the house alarm. With any luck it will get somebody’s attention.”
No question, the alarm eliminated any need to call 911. My guess was it could be heard at the Wisconsin border.
“Now what,” I squeaked, holding the phone away from my ear. “Should I ask the Landlord to come help?”
“Naw, countered Madam. “Somebody will show up, and I’ll just let them break in.” It beats calling the First Born in Alaska, and State Farm will be happy to pay for the door just to avoid meeting these two cats. How about if you and I forget to mention this little caper to the rest of the family?”
“Good idea” I agreed. “Glad to have been of service.”
— Noah Vail
Noah Vail and Mary Farr have collaborated on a book, Never Say Neigh: An Adventure in Fun, Funny and the Power of You. Noah, author, philosopher, humorist, gin rummy ace and all-around “good news sort of guy,” blogs here. Never Say Neigh won an honorable mention in the 2013 Paris Book Festival.