With my husband’s birthday just weeks away, I found myself wondering what to do for him on his special day. An early Oktoberfest in the backyard? A competitive spot next to Adam Richman on “Man v. Food” at an all-you-can-eat-ribs diner? Probably not a good idea since our toilet is temperamental.
When I was finally able to grab my husband’s attention from the NBA playoffs for a nanosecond, I asked him what it would take to make him happy on his birthday — other than the obvious. I’m talking BEER, people. Get your minds out of the gutter.
After our little chat during the five-minute commercial break, I came to the conclusion that my husband’s needs go far beyond a single day of recognition. He deserves to be happy all year ’round and to feel appreciated on a daily basis.
Actions speak louder than words, so I’ve come up with a wish list of things I think wives should do that would make most husbands happy on their birthday:
• Let him eat all the burgers, pizza and chicken wings he wants. Just remind him you’ve already set up his doctor’s appointment for a new heart stent.
• Give him the badabing manual on “How To Help Your partner Reach The Big O in 2 Minutes Or Less When The Playoffs Are On.”
• Install a mini fridge full of beer next to his La-Z-Boy recliner. Add a portable catheter so he never has to get out of his chair.
• Let him take a nap for an hour every day. Longer if he’s hooked up to the catheter.
• Convince him he needs a night out with his buddies Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble at the Water Buffalo Lodge. This is especially important if your husband is the Grand Poobah of the man cave.
• Tell him not to strain and push so hard at the gym. Working toward a six pack just to be a trophy husband isn’t worth popping out a hemorrhoid.
• Let him sit on the couch, scratch his nether region and channel surf all weekend long.
• Keep the sex life interesting, even if it requires a nightly Viagra cocktail and a wife dressed in an Oscar Mayer Wiener costume.
• Surprise him with VIP tickets to his favorite sporting event that include seats in the sky lounge, unlimited steak, beer and an adult diaper changing station.
• Give him an HD television the size of a movie theatre screen.
• Let him spend a weekend at a testosterone-infused camp where men are men and sheep are nervous. Hopefully he won’t have a b-a-a-a-a-d experience.
• Buy him a large gift certificate to a hardware store. This allows him all the time necessary to roam the aisles for stupid trinkets. Don’t be surprised if he comes home with a paint sprayer that doubles as a margarita dispenser.
• Tell him it’s perfectly acceptable to show off his talent of burping the alphabet for your guests. Farting the alphabet, not so much.
If none of these suggestions works to keep your husband happy, I have a Plan B. Send him off to a one-room cabin in the woods for a year where he can grow a long beard and commune with the tree frogs.
— Marcia Kester Doyle
Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humorous blog “Menopausal Mother,” where she muses on the good, the bad and the ugly side of menopausal mayhem. She is a contributor to the Huffington Post, staff writer for In The Powder Room and HumorOutcasts.com and a contributing writer for What the Flicka. Her work recently captured first place in VoiceBoks Top Hilarious Parent Bloggers 2014, and her first book will be released in the spring through Blue Lobster Publishing. Marcia’s work has appeared on Scary Mommy, Mamapedia, Bloggy Moms, Messy Mom’s Radio, The Woven Press, the Life Well Blogged series and was voted Top 25 in the Circle Of Mom’s Contest 2013. In 2014, she was named a Blogher Voice Of The Year.