If you weren’t nodding your head while reading that sentence, trust me, you were in the minority. Like waaay small minority.
Don’t feel bad about yourself, but let’s try being more supportive next time. Especially if you want to be in my upcoming infomercial. I’m going to need you to work on enthusiasm and big hand/facial gestures (appropriate gestures, people!! I can’t believe I have to say that to you. What are we, 13-year-old boys around here? Antlers and flipping the bird=not ok.)
Back to my new fitness gimmick…or I mean plan. For three days now my abs (or the place where people have told me abs should be) have been really sore. I think it’s due to the slip-n-slide. I’m pretty sure I have developed a six-pack from my one hour on the slip-n-slide. I haven’t checked to make sure (I don’t take disappointment well.) I am going purely based on my gut feeling.
(Get it? You got it, right? That’s the kind of joke you can practice courtesy laughing at for our TV debut.)
Now for the exciting part for all you folks at home: I am going to create a workout based on my slip-n-slide signature moves. They will have inspirational names such as “The Shamoo,” “The Stop, Drop and Topple,” and the award-winning “God Help Me, I’m Going For It…Wait, No…Ok, For Real This Time.”
I will provide you with a comprehensive guide with a step-by-step video in order to ensure you have the proper form. Also included: A pie chart showing the order to do the exercises for max results.
Upgrade your order right now and receive additional earth-shattering moves like the “I’ll Show You How It’s Done,” “Am I Flying? No, No, I Am Not,” and the “No, I Swear That’s Mud.” I’m not going to sugarcoat this and say it’s going to be easy. It isn’t.
And when the weather turns cold, you might try to talk yourself out of going outside, unfreezing the pipes and hose, shoveling off your tarp, and starting this workout in the freezing cold — but you gotta want it! Also it wouldn’t hurt to try to grow some more body hair to keep yourself warm during that time (I mean for real. Does Rogaine work on arms/and legs? You really are going to feel it out there.).
Recap: No one said it was going to be easy or fun. Your neighbors might laugh, point and mock you. You know what? Who’s going to be pointing, laughing and mocking 15 years from now when you’ve worked to achieve your goal of losing two inches, and you no longer need a coat because you have managed to grow your own. That’s right! I said two inches in 15 years!!! Hold on to something, people, because it just got real here. (If this were the infomercial, this is where you would stand up and clap/cheer/look amazed.)
Update: During a conversation with my mother it was pointed out that the sensation in my abs might be something else entirely. I believe she threw out the term “bruised ribs.” More market research is required before I can, with clear conscience, begin to sell my product. I pledge to you, the public, to spend at least one additional hour to verify safety and figure out appropriate warning labels. Stay tuned.
— Mandy Waysman
Mandy Waysman is a mother of two daughters in the Midwest who enjoys margaritas. Her “real” job: a reconciliation analyst at a bank. “Those two facts seem like they belong next to each other. I’m not sure why,” she says. “I try to write the funnies that make the world sing, er, laugh.” She blogs at Oh, Mandelynn.