• Beautiful red sparkly shoes, size 8. $15. Or trade for a hot-air balloon ride or a strong dog leash? Exquisite ruby beading. A little scuffed during a house-dropping incident, but plenty of wear left. Great for costume if you’re dressing up as me. Just don’t announce, “It’s too late. There they are and there they’ll stay!” after you try them on — or some mean, old bitty might follow you around during a Halloween party. Contact Dorothy.
• Poppies: Brightly colored. Some with snowflakes. Excellent cure for insomnia. $4 per bunch. Contact Oz Florist.
• Farmhouse: $159K. Built 1939, 1,800 square ft. 3 BR/2BA comes with pigs, horses, sheep and cows. Broken storm cellar, but house doubles as an airplane. You’ll find a few comps, but honestly there’s no place like (this) home! Contact Kansas Realty.
• Stallion: $200. Gallops, trots fine. Will trade for a horse of a different color. See Guardian of the Gate, Emerald City. Bell out of order — please knock.
• Drapes or panel of curtains: Fabric that blends into the background so people will pay no attention to it. Large enough to conceal a grown man maneuvering levers and switches. Contact ME, because, because, because, because because, because…because of the wonderful things I do!
• Attorney: Experienced in entertainment law to sue MGM. The part of Dorothy should have been mine. Contact Shirley Temple.
• Broom: Could have been stolen after several thugs melted me. What a world, what a world. If found, contact Margaret Hamilton. Trivia: Did you know I was only 36 years old while Glinda was actually 54? So who was the real old hag? Hmmm?
• Broom: On streets of Emerald City. Must identify or we’re giving it to Burt, the affable chimney sweep in Mary Poppins, next soundstage over. Contact any Oz janitor.
• Apples: Hundreds! Strewn violently around the forest floor. Looks like the trees threw them because someone insinuated they had little green worms.
• Is your fave color yellow? Are you a brick layer with tons of experience with grouting? Apply in person. Just follow the…other applicants.
• Hiring surgeons! Experienced in both brain and heart transplants. Two patients prepped and ready to go. Must fly here as heart patient sets off metal detectors and brain patient claims “that’s the last straw” with airport security. Contact Miss Gulch, R.N.
• Makeup artist needed. Tired of green complexion and exaggerated nose. Ready for a whole new look that doesn’t necessarily compel men to pull me into the nearest broom closet, but still bewitching in bed. Also miracle concealer for these under-eye bags and droopy chin? Is it too much to hope to defy gravity? Contact Elphaba.
• Lyricist: Needed to change those old words from “Ding-Dong the witch is dead!” to “Knock-Knock and relax, the witch is just injured.” It’s kinda ruining my job security when I go door to door. Contact: The Avon Lady.
• Square Dance Social: This Saturday night, 7 p.m. At the end of that famous road. Sponsored by The Lullaby League and The Lollypop Guild.
• Happy Birthday, Dorothy! Love, Uncle Henry. PS. Hurry home, Auntie Em is sick. Very sick.
• Single white male fortune teller looking to meet female psychic or medium. Owns working crystal ball, and I’m a Wiz around the house. Contact Professor Marvel.
• Surrender Dorothy! From Guess Who?
• Munchkins — better watch your teeny tiny backs! Sincerely, The Oompa Loompas.
— Stephanie Lewis
Stephanie D. Lewis regularly contributes to Huffington Post as well as pens a humor blog, “Once Upon Your Prime,” where she tries to “Live Happily Ever Laughter.” She’s also a regular contributor to Jewlarious where she writes zany Jewish humor and was named one of 2014 Voices of the Year by BlogHer. Her 2008 book, Lullabies & Alibis, is the tale of marriage, motherhood, mistakes and madness. As a single mother of six, she knows a lot about the madness. She’s supervised potty training and driver’s training simultaneously. Too many accidents. A live-in housekeeper? Nah, she’ll take a live-in psychotherapist.