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To-do list for new college graduates

While you have been in college, the adult community has been busy ruining the world.

This has left us no time for several important tasks. But now we need you to start on these tasks. It’s your job to tackle and wrestle to the dirt each one in sequential order.

The first task is to shrink the size of all the world’s oceans to half their current size. Then purify that water. Make it all drinkable. No junk. No beer cans. Clean that water up. Bottle it and sell it in well-to-do neighborhoods such as Greenwich, Connecticut.

When finished, make more volcanoes erupt. This means you have to invent volcanoes. The world needs more hot lava. Use the lava to start a rejuvenation of the lava lamp industry.

Next, go to the Grand Canyon. Either fly or drive. Conduct a one-hour brainstorming session with yourself, using a white board, focused on ways to make the Canyon 10 times bigger than it is. You will need to do some calculations, so bring your laptop.

As you leave the Grand Canyon, decide that the sky is too high and too far away. Make the sky closer to us. Just figure it out.

Then change the colors in nature. Make lawn grass orange and tree bark baby blue and leaves orange and bushes yellow.

Next, re-configure the solar system. Put Mars where Pluto is. Get Saturn out of the way of everything, at least for now. Move Earth so it’s adjacent to Pluto. It has to be adjacent to Pluto.

When done with this, question gravity. Be circumspect whether it’s still true that any object such as a lava lamp, or a person such as you, will fall down if thrown up in the air. If it’s still true, accept it. But if you detect any hole in the argument, if there is one scintilla of doubt in your mind about the rule of gravity, keep questioning it. Check on what Wikipedia has to say on the topic.

The guy who invented the theory, somebody name Isaac Newton or Galileo or Johnny Appleseed, needs to be checked out thoroughly. Where did he grow up? Who did he hang out with? What kind of car did he drive? Was he in the FBI?

Get your hands on a photo of his car, what color it is, whether it has white wheel tires. Does it look like Greased Lightning?

Then move on. Drive away thinking that gravity is something to do while your life is going on or what happens to you when you’re driving.

Then turn your attention to mountains. All mountains. Those in Sweden. Those in New Mexico. Those in West Virginia. The ones in Austria the Von Trapp Family Singers walked up when defecting from Germany. Visualize mountains in places you’ve never seen or been or heard of. Count every mountain in the world.

Then move mountains. Shift them around like chess players do kings, pawns and rooks on a board. This does not mean move them mentally. Move them literally. Get some cranes and shovels. Ask your friends for help because it’s going to be a lot of hard work and will take at least a year.

— Sammy Sportface

Sammy Sportface is possibly America’s best blogger. He is only mildly interested in the truth. To read his new book, Wipe That Smile Off Sammy Sportface, go to

Reflections of Erma