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The clothes whisperer

HELP! I fear I am going mad.

The fashion world is making all clothing styles smaller than usual. My washing machine seems to be shrinking everything else, even those items I’ve never washed.

I hear footsteps in my bedroom. My clothes want to go back in the closet. Not simply because I stretch them to distraction. They whisper about my fickleness and they take it personally.

They are not wrong when they talk of me forgetting them whenever I purchase something new that does not cut off circulation.

It is true, I can love my outfit, not be seen without it for weeks, but alas, as soon as another catches my fancy and fits my fanny, well frankly, the others no longer exists in my memory.

Hello. My name is Jan and I am A CLOTHES SLUT.

At this moment a sailor outfit wants out. It claims white is not my color and it is quite militant about that. I have pleaded and cajoled, but I know the rage it is experiencing is really from neglect. Aside from the fact that I just bought a big-boy combat shirt at an army surplus store and I am blinded by love for this kaki cookie, the sailor blouse is a size 6. I have not been a size 6 since, well since I was six!

I will loan it to my petite friend as a foster outfit, to live with her until I am able to use kale as my primary food source.

There is also noisy hostility coming from my neglected clothes. The rustling is deafening. Thus, I am sleepless with My Pillow, Your Pillow and His as well.

In addition, my apparel falls off the hangers or plays hide and seek when I am in a hurry.

Fortunately, I am now seeing a clothing counselor.

Dr. Plink, the shrink (why they are called that I’ll never know since I am the same size since I began therapy), suggested I go on a journey to find myself. I packed my shirt and left a note for the clothes. I was on my way to me land.

Just a footnote here that you may already know. Television makes us appear 10 pounds heavier. I have three.

Thirty pounds of an optical illusion of fake fat, Still, I hopped a train for Katemoss Mountain to find answers…and maybe a cupcake.

So,  goodby for now pantyhose. We have been estranged for years since your constant complaining and begging for mercy over the “one size fits all”label and jealousy because I started going commando caused by your ever-present stretchy-down-to-my-knees baggy crotch.

Someday I shall return as a lovely bikini babe when swimwear is designed for XXXL.

I shall always remember and hope you do, too, that the bigger the figure, the more there is…

— Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall has devoted her life’s work to humor and healing through books, columns and motivational speaking. As founder of the International Humor & Healing Institute, she worked with board members Norman Cousins, Steve Allen and other physicians and entertainers, including John Cleese. Her newest satirical survival book, Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! is dedicated to Wounded Warriors, Gabrielle Giffords and Grieving Parents. She donates a percentage of the profits to these organizations as well as to the American Cancer Society and the American Brain Tumor Association.

Reflections of Erma