Following are updates on 19 sports: Major League Baseball, NFL, NBA, NHL, College Football, Men’s College Basketball, WNBA, Golf, Tennis, Boxing, Horse Racing, Cycling, Track and Field, Cricket, Rugby, Olympics, Figure Skating, Auto Racing, and CrossFit.
Major League Baseball
The league is grasping for another scandal such as steroids to bring people back to the ballparks and the MLB Network. The league has come to sheepishly admit that its heyday occurred when the steroids era was in full bloom, when Ryan Braun was lying about taking steroids on national TV, when Barry Bonds blew his head up to gargantuan size, and when Alex Rodriguez had the juice injected into his bottom and lied about it, just like “Saving Private Ryan.”
To generate more cash and make America’s pasttime more popular, the league is going to see if there’s a way to pretend it is testing players for steroids while not really doing so, because focus groups have taught them that lying and home runs are what is most alluring about the sport.
Robin Yount, a shortstop for the Milwaukee Brewers in the 1970s and 80s, wore the number 19.
The big issue on the table is Rex Ryan. Fired as head coach of the New York Jets and Buffalo Bills, Ryan will be an analyst for ESPN this fall. The concern is what Ryan will say on the air and whether he will be liked by viewers. Although oozing with charisma, he has only proven so far that he doesn’t win all that much and says lots of embarrassing things such as that he has a fetish for women’s feet. Will he mention the feet on the air? Rex will say some things that will be on the edge and, within two years, will be fired by ESPN.
The good news is the Jets will be looking to hire a new coach because they will have fired their current coach, whose name has already been forgotten. Rex will be available and the Jets could use his expertise to lose more football games. He will trade for Mark Sanchize to be his quarterback again, and we will get to the see the re-enactment of the Butt Fumble.
A lanky dude from Sweden was selected in the first round of the NBA draft. Not since Bjorn Borg, winner of five Wimbledon and French Open tennis titles, has Sweden produced such a major sports star except in the speed skating and Nordic Combined cross country skiing events at the past 10 Winter Olympics. The baller’s name is Kari or he has blonde hair like Blondie, a yesteryear rock singer. Would someone please write a sports blog explaining why a disproportionately high percentage of Swedish people sport blonde hair? In that blog it would awesome to include 19 pictures of Swedish super models. Blondes preferred, though we’ll take brunettes as long as they’re Swedes.
The NHL playoffs may or may not be over. Does anyone know?
The big story to watch in college football right now is how angry Alabama coach Nick Saban will be as his team opens training camp in a few weeks. Satan admitted the loss by his team to Clemson in the national title game last season is something he will never get over. This is his issue, but somehow he’s going to make it our issue.
Men’s College Basketball
Had Gordon Hayward made that half-court shot to beat Duke in the national title game several years ago, the play would be remembered as the most dramatic clutch shot in college basketball history, the biggest upset in the title game, and the best sports story the sport, arguably any sport, has ever seen. But he missed. The ball hit the backboard, bounced off the rim and didn’t go in. Duke won. The rest of us lost. College basketball has never recovered.
The season gets started soon. There is one player who has scored more points, about 19,000, than any woman in WNBA history. Her name is impossible to spell: Donna Turasi. Or is it Tsurasi? Misspellings aside, the important thing to know about the upcoming WNBA season is that the games are going to be covered by NGSCSports on a case-by-case basis.
Turns out Rickey Fowler has more pastel-colored golf outfits than wins in major golf tournaments. A lot more, about 19 in fact. Little Ricky had a shot to win last week’s U.S. Open — his first ever — but faded on the last day to finish several strokes back. The winner was Brooks Koepka, winner of his first major. Koepka now has a lot of money to spend on pastel-colored golf outfits and will be a favorite to win the British Open and PGA Tournament this summer.
So far this year the best sports T-shirt reads, “Roger That.” It’s worn by fans of Roger Federer, winner of some 19 major tennis titles than anyone. Fed is now gearing up to win Wimbledon for theumpteenth time. Problem is he will have to beat Raphael Nadal, who has beaten Roger umpteen times. Roger That.
The most important thing to happen in boxing transpired in the 1970s when southpaw Rocky Balboa went the distance against Apollo Creed in the Philadelphia Spectrum in the bout to determine the heavyweight champion of the world. Many didn’t give the underdog a chance. But The Italian Stallion proved to be much tougher than Creed and the population at large expected. Yo Adrian.
There was a dopey TV show in the 1970s called “Mr. Ed.” It was about a man who owned a talking horse. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
It’s not about the bike. It’s about Lance Armstrong. Sheryl Crow is a babe.
Track and Field
The one thing you have to wonder about is why in the track and field steeplechase race the runners have to jump over a hurdle and then step in a puddle of water. Their shoes and socks moisten. Running after that is unpleasant and ignites foot fungus.
Cricket is pretty much hai lai (spell checker alert). You can watch men play cricket in London and hai lai south Florida. Players peak at the sport at around age 19. You can do yoga anywhere.
It’s never been clear to most people how rugby differs from Australian Rules Football. My friend Jim knows. Call him. I knew him when he was 19.
The only Olympics story on our minds is whether Michael Phelps will make another comeback to win more gold medals. That and whether Ryan Lochte will also.
Ice dancing is bush.
The entire auto racing industry is disconcerted about the metrics that show that the movie “Talladega Nights” is more popular than the sport itself. The movie was a fake story about the ridiculousness of the sport’s culture and fans. Gentlemen, rev your engines. You, too, Danica Patrick. NASCAR is the same thing as IndyCar.
This summer there will be 19,000 people you don’t know and never will participating in various CrossFit events across this country.
— Sammy Sportface
Sammy Sportface is possibly America’s best blogger. He is only mildly interested in the truth. To read his new book, Wipe That Smile Off Sammy Sportface, go to Amazon.com.