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How to survive marriage (with 140 percent divorce rate)

Someone once told me when I was seven months pregnant with the second set of twins, “Did you know that the divorce rate for couples with multiples is 70%?”

Um, no. But thanks for letting me know — so basically my chance for divorce then is 140%? Ok…

Listen, marriage is work — it is hard fricken’ work. And if you are thinking to yourself, “What? No it’s not, I love being married!”” then you are a newlywed. Sit down and enjoy the ride right now because it gets worse, much, much worse. Like, take your little problems now, my newlywed friend, and multiply them by 100 and that is where you are gonna be soon enough.

I am not going to say that I hate being married. I don’t hate being married. Would I ever get married again? #Doubtful

Here is the thing: Kevin is my best friend and I am his. I love him and he loves me — but right now, right now in this moment of our lives — I feel, as I am sure he does, like we are running a small business and our employees are four little kids and two dogs along with loads of dirty laundry, growing grass and a house that constantly smells like pee. The floors are disgusting everything is dusty and I feel like I am being buried alive with toy — toys everywhere. And piss. Did I mention our house, van and myself smell like pee all the time?

I sometimes let this all get to me. I feel like I am never gonna get ahead with all of the chores. Am I playing with my kids enough and am I making an effort to have a date night with the hubs and did I get my run in and my cooking and, oh, crap we are out of milk!

It takes a toll trying to stay ahead of it all. I feel like I am constantly failing some days, but back to the marriage. So, how do you keep your marriage going with all this chaos?

My advice: Don’t stress about it so much.

If you have a good partner, one who loves you and knows you, then he will know that this is just a season in your lives and in your marriage. He knows that before kids you were in love, and there was a reason for the love you felt. It is still there, but right now it is on the back burner.

Yes, sometimes you make time for each other with date nights, weekend getaways. It’s all good — and a good thing to do — but if you don’t have that luxury, it’s ok. Some of us don’t have anyone to help us with our kids, which makes it even harder to get away together and spend time alone.

But one day, one day soon, you will be able to do all of the things you used to do together alone. So, if right now you can’t because it’s just too hard to line up a babysitter, find something to do on a tight budget, decide who is going to be the sober driver and then, when you finally get to where you are going, all you talk about is baby Tommy’s first tooth you found today or the fact that everyone pooped on the potty and wiped their own butts, it’s ok. It’s totally fine.

We are there, and if you are not there now, you will be. If you are past this, you know what I am saying — don’t judge yourself, don’t judge your marriage. We are all different and our marriages are unique. That is what makes us and our marriages work.

It might seem like I have all my ducks in a row and my marriage and kids are all happy all the time, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I have just as many problems in this house as you do in yours, maybe more. This is the life, though. Don’t be so hard on yourself or your partner.

One day soon you will have your groove back, and it’s going to be better than it was before. I know it.

— Adelei Graffin

Addie Graffin is a stay-at-home mom of TWO SETS OF TWINS, ages 3 and 1, and two fur babies. A licensed hairdresser and certified group fitness instructor, she blogs about health, fitness, food, mommyhood and more.

Reflections of Erma