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How online shopping will replace husbands

Like many women with husbands, I rely on mine to fetch and carry heavy things, repair stuff and to be generally useful. My job is to remember the names of the kids’ teachers and their special friends’ birthdays. It all balances out.

Now that I am making the inevitable journey through menopause, I find myself having less and less patience to explain to him what we need from the store, or what brand of coffee we always drink, or even the fact that we are running out of toilet paper. Does he not notice?

Every time I find myself making list of EXACTLY the same items (20 years of the same list) I find myself issuing a deep throated growl. You know the one, like a cat with it’s tail being held by a toddler. That growl.

If this sounds like your life, I am about to give you a life hack solution that will make you joyously fling your list pad out the window.

Did you know that in mere moments you can click to order coffee, toilet paper, socks, razors, dirty movies, or any other essentials with automatic monthly shipments. Is your mind blown? Mine was.

I mean… it just shows up and I don’t even have to get out of my smelly nightgown to drive to the store for stuff I know we will need.

Then I got to thinking. “What other conveniences might I enjoy with this newfound magic delivery service?”

Might I someday be able to click and receive a weekly foot rub and pedicure from a handsome young man delivered by drone? Perhaps some garden help that shows up on the first Saturday of the month in a UPS box?

As I think of new things to click for, I start to realize the possibilities are endless. Click to hang pictures, change the oil in my car, figure out what that noise under the porch is, or even click for spider removal.

The mind boggles. Could I order a vacation companion who likes museums and doesn’t insist on beach and geriatric speedo holidays?

My neighbor is also twigged to this idea. I notice she gets monthly deliveries of something struggling in an oversized burlap sack with a “handle with care” sticker on it. Man of the month service perhaps? It is not my place to judge.

My husband wonders about the charges to our credit card that all seem to be from the same online mega store. He goes through each and every line and insists I am spending too much on fancy toilet paper, and foot rubs. And why did I need a large size muzzle, since we don’t actually have a dog?

As I smile and click on “wine of the month”, I give him a sexy come hither look, and then slam a muzzle on his face, stick him in a burlap sack and click “return to sender”.

-Magnolia Ripkin

Magnolia Ripkin is sort of like your mouthy Aunt who drinks too much and tells you how to run your life, except funny… well mostly funny… like a cold glass of water in the face. She writes a flagrantly offensive blog at Magnolia Ripkin Advice Blog answering pressing questions about business, personal development, parenting, heck even the bedroom isn’t safe. She is the Editor in Chief at BluntMoms. Other places to find her: Huffington Post, The Mighty and Modern Loss, The Mid, and Scary Mommy. You can also check her out in two amazing compendiums of bloggers who are published in “I Just Want To Be Alone.” And most recently, Martinis and Motherhood, Tales of Wonder, Woe and WTF. Join her shenanigans on Facebook: Magnolia Advice Blog

Reflections of Erma