My mom has this story she likes to tell that I’ve always believed is totally fiction. This isn’t out of the ordinary—my mom has lots of stories that are, um, exaggerated to say the least. We, her family, have heard numerous versions of how, during childbirth, she broke out of restraints (restraints!) and, depending on the day she tells the story, kicked the nurse/doctor/security guard across the room. In another tale, she suffered through a gynecologic procedure so painful that she dug her fingers into the marble slab on which she was sitting. (Was she a hunk of cheese? And also—what superhuman/supercheese strength! She penetrated marble with her bare hands!) Anyway, let’s just say Mom knows how to spin a yarn.
So this particular story involves her swallowing a ring. The “how” exactly of this is still a little fuzzy, which has always contributed to the incredulity of the story. Said ring miraculously ended up in her toilet two years later. I’ve never believed this is possible. How could a ring be in your body for TWO years without causing a problem? How could it be in your body for TWO YEARS, period? Does my Subway sandwich take two years to travel through my colon? I can tell you with complete certainty that corn on the cob does not.
Needless to say, I’ve always believed that this was another of mom’s semi-fictional stories. But the other day, I ran across this in a medical journal (Yeah, I like to read medical journals. Sue me.)
An incidental finding of a gastric foreign body 25 years after ingestion
Let me set this up for you: A 76-year-old woman goes to the doctor because she’s having diarrhea and losing weight. A scan of her abdomen reveals “a linear foreign body in the stomach.”
Here’s where it gets really good:
“On subsequent questioning, she recalled unintentionally swallowing a pen 25 years earlier.”
Whoa. And then this:
“While she was interrogating a spot on her tonsil with the pen she slipped, fell and swallowed the pen by mistake.”
“Her husband and general practitioner dismissed her story.”
To all the wives out there, does this surprise you at all?
“The consensus of opinion was that despite being there for 25 years without causing any problems, the pen should be removed.”
Must have had good insurance.
“The pen was still in working order (figure 2).”
Are you kidding me?!“
I am not sure what scientific benefit was realized by testing whether the pen was still in working order, but I do feel like this was a missed comedic opportunity. Is “hello” the best you can do, Doc? Even a simple, “Oh crap” would have been more on target.
Jennifer Golden’s writing has been published in The Washington Post, Scary Mommy, The Best Women’s Travel Writing, and others. Find more of her writing on her website, mommibomb.com.