For decades now, the Union of Comedy Writers and Actors has worked tirelessly to elect someone to Congress to advance our agenda, so we can finally prove to the world how incredible we are. So when the perfect political candidate came along, Al Franken, we naturally poured tens of thousands of jokes, made at his opponent’s expense, into his campaign. And it worked! He came from behind to win by 331 votes. And even though the ungrateful so-and-so didn’t show his appreciation by introducing our bill into Congress, we still gave it another go with his reelection. But since he still hasn’t lifted a finger to help us, well, that’s it. No more Mr. Nice Guy. From now on, we’re going to turn all Congressional candidates into laughing stocks, unless they support the following legislation:
First, the reason my generation was so good at comedy was because we couldn’t help but to grow up to be weirdos, perverts and losers. But how is this country going to continue to dominate the world of comedy, when our families aren’t full of lunatics anymore, and when our schools stop bullies from harassing our kids? Since so many of the early comics were Jewish, hundreds of our members have even tried converting their kids to Judaism, but for some reason, that doesn’t work anymore. So, the first thing we need is tax breaks for parents and schools that excel at messing up the lives of today’s youth.
Second, over the last twenty years, a mountain of evidence has piled up, showing that laughter is the best medicine. And yet, despite all my efforts, the states still refuse to license our members as humor practitioners, so we can get paid by insurance companies and will finally be able to afford the same things that people in other professions can afford—like a car, cable TV, a spouse. Hell, when I applied to the state of Illinois, I got a letter back, signed by thirty people, saying how much they needed a good laugh, but they still wouldn’t give me a license. And so, the next thing we need is for that provision to be added to any changes to the Affordable Care Act.
Third, everyone who watches late-night TV talk shows knows that a great one-liner can torpedo the ambitions of any politician. And yet, the Defense Department continues to waste trillions of your taxpayer dollars on wars, when all they need is a handful of highly trained character assassins, to turn our nation’s enemies into laughing stocks. Hell, I’ve even volunteered to train and lead such a unit myself. But every time I call the Pentagon, when I tell the receptionists how to direct my calls, they crack up and then ask me to repeat what I said to a dozen other people, before hanging up on me. And so, there’s no better way to show your support for our agenda than to get me a meeting.
Fourth through eighth, we need legislation to make stealing jokes a felony, to make heckling a hate crime, to repair our nation’s crumbling humor infrastructure—our comedy clubs—and tariffs to make sure our country isn’t overrun by imports from Australia, the UK, South Africa and Mexico. And let’s not forget a special day to commemorate the memories of the tens of thousands of comics who sacrificed so much to give so many a good laugh, but who died on stage.
Finally, and most importantly, it’s essential that Congress pass the Comics Rehabilitation Act without further ado, finally bringing an end to this country’s most scandalous tragedy. I’m talking about comics who were once the pride of a nation and who made truckloads of money, but over the years, lost it. We owe so much to these people, and the only thing these poor unfortunates need is a helping hand—like to reverse the therapy their wives made them get—so they can go back to being their old, fouled-mouthed, misogynistic selves they used to be, so they can be productive members of society again.
So, What Can You, a Humor Fan, Do to “Stand Up” for Our Rights to Be Funny?
To strike fear into the hearts of all politicians, we need to prove that comedy lovers are a huge voting block, which can swing each and every election. So first, go to Facebook, search for “UCWA,” the Union of Comedy Writers and Actors’ page, like it and share it with all your friends. Second, create a post, saying that you’re an organizer for your zip code. Then lie your asses off, about the number of voters you’ve recruited who will vote against any and all candidates, who don’t support our cause. And to make sure they get the point, brag about how much money you’ve got pledged, to insure their defeats, if they don’t support us.
Also, any heartfelt comments about how humor cured you of some deadly disease, which I could use with the medical licensing people, would be gratefully appreciated.
And of course, it goes without saying that all our members thank you in advance for your kind support.
Oh, yeah. Any videos and posts by comedy celebs, about how you tearfully watched a dear friend of yours die on stage, would be gratefully appreciated. We’ll use them to promote the creation of the Fallen Comics Memorial Day on April 1st.
Copyright © 2017 by Ed Toolis – All Rights Reserved
-Ed Toolis, union president
Ed Toolis is the author of There’s an App for That Book 1.1, Book 2.0 and Humor, Comedy & Sketch Writing. Available on Amazon.