I got a bit embarrassed at the grocery store the other day. The list from my wife included Glad Tall Kitchen Trash Bags. But, she insisted, they had to have the vanilla scent. When I arrived at the trash bag section, a female employee was sitting on the floor, amid packages of Depend adult diapers.
I thought it odd that trash bags and adult diapers were butting right up against each other. I had to literally stand behind several packages of Depend as I looked for the vanilla-scented trash bags. And it was taking way too long. Finally, the girl looked up and asked me if I needed any help.
“Well,” I said, “I’m looking for vanilla. And I’m not having any luck. I know I’ve gotten vanilla here before.”
“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “you must be mistaken. Depends don’t come in vanilla…or any other fragrance, for that matter.” “Oh…I didn’t mean Depends. I meant trash bags.” Red faced, I carefully stepped around the Depend packages, and pushed my cart around to the next aisle.
When I got home, my wife noticed that there were no kitchen trash bags. “I don’t think they had any vanilla scented,” I said. “What do you mean, ‘you don’t think?’” responded wifey. “Did you look?” “Yeah, I looked all right.” “How long?” “Too long.” “What do you mean too long?”
“There was a lot going on in the adult diaper department, and I couldn’t get very close to the trash bags.” Cocking her head, wifey asked, “What in the world were you doing in the adult diaper aisle?” “Looking for tall, vanilla-scented kitchen trash bags?” “OK, smarty! But why did you look there?” “Because…that’s where the trash bags are.”
It’s ironic that I met my wife in a grocery store. And it was near the trash bag section, too, right down the aisle from the paper towels. (I don’t remember the Depend section being nearby.) She was stocking up on Bounty that day. She still is.
I will say one thing, though, she was not the“Quicker Picker Upper.” When she told me she was from Dallas, I had two reply options:
1) “Oh, wow…were you a Cowboys Cheerleader?”
2) “That’s really great! I’m a huge Cowboys fan!” (Not true). I chose the latter, to which she replied, “No, I’m from Dallas, North Carolina.” (Her accent would be right at home in either Dallas).
“Well, that’s great, too,” I said. “I’ve been to that Dallas several times. I had a client down there when I had my ad agency.” (True). She didn’t ask me where I was from. Probably didn’t care. But my name rang a bell with her.
As it turned out, though, it was the other Raymond Reid she remembered. He was also from Kernersville. That Raymond Reid was murdered by Blanche Taylor Moore in 1986. There was even a TV movie about it, starring Elizabeth Montgomery.
This Raymond Reid is alive and well…and married to the girl from Dallas I met at the grocery store 10 years ago. I may revisit that store today for two reasons. 1) Sentimental. 2) To look for Glad Tall Kitchen Trash Bags, Vanilla Scented…
— Raymond Reid
Raymond Reid is a national award-winning humor columnist. He can be contacted at email@example.com.