Welcome to our humble Passive-Aggressive Support Group. Please do come and sit down. Unless, of course, how silly of me, you were obviously on your way to the “Dowdy Much? Stop Your Wardrobe From Holding You Back” session down the hall, which will clearly be exponentially more valuable.
Well, if you insist… woops… Oh… oh yes, please do take a seat right there. Oh, absolutely, absolutely, it’s fine, it’s fine. I only get the teensiest bit chilly during these meetings when the air vent blows. But heavens, no, no, fold yourself into that chair like a charming sloth, how clever of you to notice that it’s one of the more temperate spots in the room. I’m sure you didn’t have a chance to recognize that my purse was resting right beside the cushion. We aren’t ever really certain if we are truly seen by others, are we?
I don’t imagine you often have that problem. And you’re so wise to be frugal and shop from last year’s designer rack. I wish I was brave enough, but I always cave to the pressures du monde. It’s such a character flaw. But you, so bold, and you don’t even worry if the size isn’t quite right. Seize the day. That’s what you say. And how do we ever know if we are wearing too much rouge or foundation?
Let me just pull on this parka, no… no… really, I do insist, do not move over, I’ll just plop myself down right here below this gentle breeze, yes, pass my purse along if it’s not too inconvenient. The frigid air will do my cold good. I’m sure the idea of a draft being bad for a cold just started as an old wives’ tale and was fueled by some over-controlling ladies group who wanted their husbands to install central heating. I do forget where the thermostat is located in this room…
If you really must, go ahead and take care of that small inconvenience. I don’t wish to be the cause of any trouble for a new member, but I suppose it is a favor you would be most happy to indulge in considering…
You certainly managed that quickly. I noticed that you took the time to stop and talk to Bob. Isn’t he polite? You’d never know that he wasn’t interested, but I’m sure he wanted to make you feel at home, bless him. Tsk, don’t worry yourself at all about it. But now Stan, over in the corner, he looks like just the type for you. And we hardly ever talk about his little habit anymore. He’s a changed man, I tell you, a changed man. Don’t feel badly about yourself either. I’m sure he will love you just as you are.
Isn’t Cheryl’s pie delicious?! I’m quite pleased you took the last piece. It saves me from indulging. How nice for you to have freed yourself from the crippling worry of calorie counting. This has been the best chat. I can’t imagine us becoming anything but great friends. I’m just going to head over to that vacant seat across the room now, it’s gotten awfully warm in here, and give you space to spread out more comfortably. Do help yourself to more pastries before we begin. You clearly enjoy them more than the rest of us. No, no, I really must be moving along. I don’t want others to feel intimidated by our instant connection. What good fortune for me that you sat here this evening. I don’t imagine I shall ever forget it.
Vicki Austin, faculty and dorm parent at Wyoming Seminary College Preparatory School, lives with her husband, two children, and 80 or so other teenage boys in Kingston, PA. Vicki has more than twenty years of experience in many facets of education and is currently shifting her writing focus from persuasive to creative. Vicki’s most recent work has been featured on the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop, included in the online journals Projected Letters and Wraparound South and printed in The Walls Between Us: Essays in Search of Truth, a Juncture publication. You can find Vicki on Twitter @VickiAustin02 and offer her encouragement as she puts the finishing touches on her first novel.