Achilles was a heel.
Mr. Tush was a bum.
Fernando was a bully.
One date had O.C.D and A.D.D. so everything had to be perfect but not for very long.
He was not a fully developed person. Everything about him was partial, no wholeness to him.
Partially dumb — drove a semi truck semi-literate.
He claimed he was proud his IQ was 20/20.
I bought one, oops I mean I met one on Craig’s List of Oye!
He was so hot, he curdled my corduroy.
But everything else was a disaster.
He was extremely negative and only bought distressed furniture.
He asked if he could kiss me. I replied yes then…he asked me to hold his teeth.
He was a vegetarian. We broke up after I thoughtlessly served him Animal Crackers.
There were several others.
Tex always told me to Remember the Alamo, Remember the Alamo? I can’t even remember where I’d left my glasses, phone or other shoe, much less history.
Too much pressure.
Next, on a dating app I requested a tall guy He arrived on stilts. He was actually fun. I had to quit him because I kept getting splinters in weird spots.
Another man I met was at a medical convention. Well, actually it was an allergy seminar. We sneezed in cadence.
We only dated until hay fever season was over.
One millionaire Don Juan suggested with a little quid pro quo he’d buy me a sports car. I did not accept only because if a guy truly wants to impress me with a vehicle, it better be a food truck.
The next to last was funny. One romantic night I asked, “Are you comfortable?” He replied in a strange accident, “I make a living.”
I laughed so hard I fell off the bed, hurt my back. Now I am dating a chiropractor, the only man I allow to place me in a headlock.
This what I’ve learned. Men are wonderful. I’ve liked many, loved a few especially my sons Matt and David, grandson Syef, his son Sage and extended family boys, too.
But mostly my one forever date here and I’ll forever mourn there, my only true love, Sidney Marshall.
— Jan Marshall
Jan Marshall’s life’s work is devoted to humor and healing through books, columns and consulting. A humorist and television host, she is a Certified Master Hypnotherapist. In 1986 she founded the International Humor & Healing Institute. Her board members included Norman Cousins, Steve Allen, Dr. Bernie Siegel and John Cleese, plus other physicians and entertainers. Her newest satirical survival book is called Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! As a survivor, she donates a percentage of book profits to the American Cancer Society, American Brain Tumor Association, Wounded Warriors and The Laguna Woods Village Foundation.