Congratulations on your purchase of the Genrac Power Washer. This essential tool for every homeowner will give you hours and hours of pleasure. The tasks that used to take all day can now be completed in mere minutes once you master the extraordinary 27-step process to turn the thing on. Important, do no not omit any of the steps and be sure to complete them in the order as listed in the manual. If not, you are screwed.
First. Make sure you have the proper hose length. Ideally, your hose should be able to stretch to the moon and back. If not, you should have an outdoor faucet spaced every four feet. For a normal home that would mean approximately 60 outdoor faucets. Don’t complain, call a plumber. This is important as you should expect to walk back and forth between the power washer and the water supply no less the 700 times during a simple job like cleaning up bird dung. Roller skates are a good option.
Were you one of those smart shoppers who paid up for the battery powered electric starter? Of course it doesn’t work but admit it, just the thought of not having to attempt to pull start the power washer 20 times before it floods the spark plugs with gasoline and you have to sit and wait for the second coming until it’s safe to try again got you out of bed just a wee bit earlier. Alas, hope is not a strategy.
Now, remember this power washer generates a huge load of pressure. So, be always prepared for stuff just being propelled into the air at a frightening speed. Rest assured that whatever it was that just shot itself into your neighbor’s garage is essential to the operation of your unit and you will never find it. You are really funny; did you think we would have a diagram in our owner’s manual of all the crap that is sure to go missing and why it is mission critical? I mean, really. Have you ever tried to write an owner’s manual? In four languages no less.
Simply use your fork lift to load your unit onto your flatbed trailer and drive the 240 miles to the nearest dealer where you will be informed by the 12-year-old at the counter, “Your Gestetner is missing.” And when you reply, “You have a keen grasp of the obvious,” he will reply, “Thank you.”
So, you have checked the water supply a million times, and you are good to go. Pull the start cord until you finally have a start. Here we go. When you squeeze the trigger on the power gun…nothing. Of course, the nozzle is clogged. Simple remove and clear it of debris. Channel Dr. Michael Debakey as he experimented with open heart surgery. But here is the tricky part, he is performing the procedure on an amoeba. No biggie.
Ok, ready for action. You got this. Now, importantly you must choose the right nozzle for the job. Hmmmm. Red, green, white or black. Let us start with red. Holy crap, I just put a hole in the air conditioning compressor. Ok, let us try green. Better, took all the paint off our house siding. Let’s throttle down to white. Much better. Kind of like a hose with a spray gun. Wait, I already have one of those.
You will notice that your unit comes equipped with wheels. The idea is to make you think you can easily move the power washer at will. Wow, you are a gullible son of a gun, aren’t you? Did you forget that it is attached to a hose at full pressure? Did you notice that the spray gun is attached to another hose that must tangle with any door, rock our itself at a moment’s notice? Oh, by the way this thing weighs 700 pounds. Try moving it on anything but concrete. Hannibal and his elephants had an easier time crossing the Alps.
Can we talk about fuel for a moment? Like a Beaujolais nouveau, the gas must be no more than 24 hours old, or it’s just no good. If you use anything older, it fouls the spark plugs and, you guessed it, time to get out the old forklift and pay another visit to junior.
What happens to gas as it sits innocently in its can anyway? I mean it comes from oil, which comes from dinosaurs, which I guess are like 200 years old or something like that.
I don’t know about you and believe me I am not bragging, but, for the love of God, a normal person’s hands are simply too large to maneuver the seemingly simple task of hooking up and disconnecting the water supply. First, the connection is one inch above the ground. Strategically, it is positioned a half inch from the spray nozzle connection. If you were born with the hands of a 3-year-old, no problem. The rest of us must manufacture a complex web of pliers, pulleys and duct tape just to connect and disconnect.
Which by the way and while we are on the subject, what gives with that? How is your back? I guarantee it will not be any better after this exercise. All connections, controls and switches are between one and six inches above the ground. Spend one day with a power washer and you will be bending down no less than 100 times. Who designed this thing? The guy from “Honey I Shrunk the Kids?”
Ten hours later and the job is done. You have successfully cleaned a four-foot square section of your driveway. Never mind that the rest of your driveway still looks like the parking lot at your local Buy Low liquor store; you have your four-foot square trophy. Time to stow your power washer in the furthest recesses of your garage where hopefully you will never see it again. Right next to your trash compactor.
— Frank Moroni
Frank Moroni, a 1976 University of Dayton graduate, spent his career in financial services. He and his wife, Cathy, live in River Forest, Illinois. Their family includes four children and five granddaughters.