Bands sing about September. Recall Green Day’s “Wake Me Up When September Ends” and Earth Wind and Fire’s “Do You Remember the 21st Night of September.”
In many ways September marks the beginning of the year. It’s always struck me as the fastest month. Sept. 1 hits, then everything hits — school, football, back-to-school night — and then in a blink it’s Oct. 1.
This coming September will be every bit as frenetic but with an unprecedented twist. Sports everywhere will collide, overlap, mash up and intersect — all simultaneously. Prepare yourselves for a sports smash-up derby. If sports fans were to create a song title for this September, it would be “Wake Me Up When September Starts.”
Brace yourselves for sports galore, an avalanche of scores and crowd roars — even if fake recordings inside stadiums.
Tune into NFL games. Check out NBA playoffs. Watch college football and baseball. Take in pro golf and tennis tournaments. Play Fantasy Football. Get your sports gambling on. Gorge yourselves on sports.
Like never before this September, these sports seasons will pile on top of each other to make a mountain of sports thrills. Sports will be like too much ketchup on a hamburger dripping off the side of the plate onto the kitchen floor — yet delicious nonetheless.
A sports orgy let’s call it. More sports than we can digest. It will be sports gluttony gone gaga. Sports will be racing pell-mell in hyperactive catch-up mode. Games all day, games all night, and do it all again the next day. Play on. Play now. Play always.
All this excessiveness would be overwhelming enough by itself. Throw in the fact that everything else will be happening in September, and you have a month for the ages coming up. Buckle up. Put on your football helmets. This is full contact sports, compounded by full-on life events, like you’ve never experienced before.
Schools will go back in session. New three-subject notebooks will be purchased. Sixty-four-packs of Crayola Crayons will get pulled off store shelves. Plan your pumpkin festival. Go to your local history museum.
Whatever you need to get done before then, do it now while your time is still yours.
Throw out your old phone books. Clean out your attic. Delete the emails in your spam filter. Install new anti-virus software on your PC. Download a dozen TED talks on motivation and inspiration.
Find your drive and reason for being so you won’t have to sort that out when September sports scintillate and overwhelm your senses and cloud your thinking. There will be no time in that month to enrich your soul in any other way but watching sports.
Now is your chance to search online for articles by Sammy Sportface. Read them all before September. Those will give you some context for all the sports you will watch in September. You won’t gain insights. You won’t learn anything. But you will glean a cryptic understanding of how sports will unfold in September.
In that month when all these sports collide into our collective consciences, we will have no choice but to specialize in sports, socialize in sports and steal away into sports. It won’t be hard. Sports will be everywhere: in your living room, bedroom, local bar, barber shop, on your smartphone, PC and tablet.
Everybody will be talking about how bizarre it is that all sports are for the first time being played in the same month. September 2020 will be remembered as the busiest and most mind-boggling month in the history of sports.
Confusing and intractable, duplicative and exasperating, exciting and overwhelming, all the overlapping sports will blow our collective minds to smithereens. We won’t be able to sort out whether the Lakers played the Bulls one day or whether the Vikings played the Colorado Avalanche or whether Rafael Nadal won the French or U.S. Open or beat the Patriots without Tom Brady as quarterback.
NASCAR races will muck up the mayhem. You may recall Sammy Sportface reported that Tom Brady and Bill Belch Belichick — two former allies whose relationship has devolved into hatred — have invested in NASCAR so they can compete in that arena as well as the NFL.
It will be so hard to figure out which cars to root for at the same time the Buccaneers and Patriots will be playing. We will have to walk and chew gum at the same time and that’s not easy. Their football and NASCAR feuds will double the tension between them while doubling our emotional roller-coaster rides and stretch our intellectual versatility.
Help. September is rolling towards us like a tidal wave of sports that will crash and pound us all into the ocean sand leaving us searching for air. What will we watch? With five different games on at once on five different channels for five straight days in five different sports, what should we do? Count to five? Read about the “Fab Five?” How can we get emotionally invested in all these sports?
How many bags of Doritos should we buy each day to munch on while watching all these games? How many root beer floats should we make? Will it be OK to barbecue bratwurst for all the games or just football?
So many sports. So many questions. It’s a lot to chew on.
Get your rest now. You will need to have the stamina to survive the sports extravaganza in September.
Things could get rocky.
Then what should we do?
Just watch “Rocky.”
— Charles Hartley
Charles Hartley is the president of Carolina Content & Media Relations Corporation based in Davidson, North Carolina. The company improves the quality of writing, content marketing and media relations for high-tech businesses. He also writes a tech humor blog, “Tech Tales From the Hart.” He earned an undergraduate degree from Wake Forest University and master’s degrees from The American University and Rutgers University.