(Susannah B. Lewis wrote about a fictitious crime she committed as her entry during the second week of the 2013 Blogger Idol competition.)
PODUNK, Tenn. — Onlookers cheered as a woman attending a birthday party with her children at Chuck E. Cheese’s began cleaning the establishment, but the cheers turned to uprisings when police officers stormed the arcade and demanded that the woman stop or she would be arrested.
“That lady was doing us all a service,” Lily Faye Watson of Podunk told us. “The only crime committed here was those pigs forcing her to put down her mop.”
Susannah Lewis, 32, was arrested on Friday after she held a Chuck E. Cheese’s employee at gunpoint and demanded the keys to the supply closet. Once she gained access to unused bottles of Lysol, hand sanitizer, a Dirt Devil vacuum and a Swiffer Wet Jet, she mopped the terrified employees’ urine from the floor and proceeded to clean the entire 4,200-square-foot fun-place.
“She was going to town! I watched her disinfect everything from skee balls to slides. She refilled the hand sanitizer dispenser and she even Windexed the Ticket Blaster. It was an inspiration, really,” said one spectator. “And then those cops put her in handcuffs. They said something about her putting a pistol to some employee’s head, but what’s the harm in that? She didn’t kill anybody. She probably saved lives that day.”
Chuck E. Cheese’s on Dirt Road has failed an astounding number health inspections since May 2013. The Daily’s own Diana Hopkins of “Dirty Diana’s Dirty Dining” segment reported last month that the restaurant had failed inspections for an array of violations including “salad tongs riddled with cat urine, improperly and obscenely stored pepperoni and boogers on everything.” An actual live rat named Chuck was removed from the establishment in June 2013 after defecating in the ball pit.
“I understand that this is an extremely disgusting place,” Officer Reginald P. Swine commented, “but you can’t just come up in here and hold someone at gunpoint because there is Dysentery brewing on the confetti-covered carpet. I mean, I wish you could, but you can’t.”
Three other parents were detained for rioting, throwing greasy slices of pizza and jumping on police officers’ backs while shouting, “Swiffer, Susannah, Swiffer!” But they were released on their own recognizance.
We spoke with Mrs. Lewis’ attorney, I.M. Liar, via telephone on Saturday. “Mrs. Lewis understands that holding an employee at gunpoint to gain access to cleaning supplies is wrong, but in her defense, she asked Chuck E. Cheese’s personnel several times that day to remove snot, Salmonella and marinara sauce from her table. When she was ignored, she decided to take matters into her own hands.”
Mrs. Lewis has been charged with displaying a firearm in an angry and threatening manner with the intention to clean. She is being held without bail at the Shady Ladies’ Correction Facility. Fellow inmates say that her cell is spotless, and she even whittled soap out of a gun.
— Susannah B. Lewis
Susannah B. Lewis is a freelance writer, blogger, aspiring best-selling author, wife of one and stay-at-home mother of two. She was chosen for the Top 13 in Blogger Idol 2013 and contributes pieces to The Huffington Post. Her work has been featured in several humorous e-books. When she’s not putting pen to paper, bandaging boo-boos or spraying “Shout” on unidentifiable stains, she enjoys reading, playing the piano and teaching her children all about Southern charm. Read her humor blog, Whoa! Susannah.