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Complicated hair

Marci_Rich121107_8180Aemp_2-200x300Had fashions in the late 1960s been different, I would not have the strength of character I have today. I was born with complicated hair — thick, unmanageable, curly hair (and not the good kind of curly, either — the Andie McDowell/Julianna Margulies-kind of curly). My coarse, wiry and frizzy locks would be en vogue today; stylists spend considerable time crafting such looks for runway models. No, mine was a look that sent me reeling in horror from the mirror. It was my misfortune to grow up in the era of Jean Shrimpton, and I had complicated hair.

DannyThomasandMeHairstyles at the time were long, sleek and straight, like Shrimpton’s, or cropped pixie caps, like the iconic cut Vidal Sassoon created for Mia Farrow. (Both blondes, I might add.) But hope arrives in the form of a beautiful brunette named Marlo Thomas That Girl who wears her smooth, glossy hair in a flip with bangs. The fact that Marlo is Italian and Lebanese, just like me, with a father with whom I’d once been photographed, clinches the deal. That brown-haired girl will be my role model. God knows I need one. I have complicated hair.

“You have to suffer to be beautiful.”

That’s my godmother, Aunt Fannie, speaking. It’s 1968, and I’m in the seventh grade. We’re having our class pictures taken in a few days, and my parents drive me to her house to have my hair done.

Perhaps I should explain.

Aunt Fannie was a beautician. (That’s what they called hair stylists in those days.) My godfather, Uncle Bill, a gifted carpenter, turned one of their basement rooms into a salon for her. My father drove my mother over to have her hair done each week, with me in tow. With school-picture day looming, I had begged and pleaded with my parents to let Aunt Fannie cut my hair so that I would have bangs and a flip, just like That Girl.

Soon Aunt Fannie’s fingers are flying across my head, the silver scissors like a magician’s wand—snip! snip! snip! Sitting in the swivel chair, I’m turned from the mirror, unable to see my idol’s impeccable hairdo slowly emerge from my tangled Medusa mane. When she spins me around, I am stunned.

I look awful.

None of us took into account the density of my thick frizz when calibrating the outcome of my longed-for flip hairdo with bangs. With the flip flopped, I resemble a bereft Labradoodle in shock.

I don’t want you thinking that I spent my entire childhood in tears, but I have to tell you that I cried. Not a full-throated cry — just a whimper, with a steady stream running down my cheeks.

“Isn’t — isn’t there anything you can do?” I ask my godmother, sniffling. Flat irons had not yet been invented, so that was out. She thinks a moment, then brightens.

“We can straighten it!”

My father, who had been watching television in the other room, walks by just in time to hear this. “Not if I have anything to say about it!” he thunders. “She has beautiful hair.  Or she did. You never should have cut it in the first place.”

“But George, look at her,” my mother says. “She can’t go around looking like this!”

“I can’t go around looking like this, Daddy.” He should know where I stand on the matter.

The tension in the air is as thick as pomade. Aunt Fannie busies herself by rearranging her hair clip drawer while my parents exchange words. I escape upstairs to soothe my nerves with a tall glass of 7-Up. When I come back down, the charged atmosphere has calmed. I’ll never know who convinced him — my mother or Aunt Fannie — but my father backs down. Aunt Fannie is mixing the chemicals that will solve the crisis and turn me into “That Girl” for my school pictures.

“This stuff stinks!” I cry when she begins stirring the mixture near me. And when she starts combing the goop through my hair, my eyes begin to water — and not from tears, either. “It burns!”

“You have to suffer to be beautiful,” she replies, a sage in a pink smock.

7thGradeMarciI don’t remember how long I sat in that chair. It seemed like months. But finally I am directed to the shampoo bowl, where the cool spray of water soothes away the stinging, rotten-egg smell of the chemicals. Aunt Fannie washes and conditions my hair and combs it through. I am entranced. What I touch feels smooth and sleek; I’ve never experienced such a sensation before. My head looks smaller, too. It isn’t my hair anymore; it doesn’t even feel like me anymore. It’s better — new and improved, as the commercials say.

Aunt Fannie sets my hair in rollers and puts me under the dryer, where I flip through the latest movie magazines like the sophisticate I imagine myself to be. When I’m dry — cheeks red-hot from the heated air, rolled hair crisp to the touch — Aunt Fannie ushers me back to the swivel chair and begins unpinning the rollers, vigorously brushing out my strange, beautiful, uncomplicated hair.

It gleams. It shines. I’ve never seen anything like it. She sprays hairspray all over me — the air is thick with it. I sneeze and cough. But I look beautiful. I had to suffer to get there.

But look: just look at that girl!

— Marci Rich

Marci Rich blogs at The Midlife Second Wife and The Huffington Post. She won a BlogHer Voices of the Year award in 2012, the same year The Midlife Second Wife was named one of the top seven blogs for women 50-plus by The Huffington Post.

New Year’s resolutions for real people

Beth MarkleyLast New Year’s Day I resolved to commit time to writing every day for fun. A couple months later I started pushing some of that work out through my blog. It helps. I crave attention as much as I actually care to accomplish anything, and it doesn’t bother me much if I embarrass myself or my family.

Carving out a daily hour or two isn’t easy. Everybody’s day around here starts early, and in order to get my me-time, I have to get up earlier.

I’m not a morning person.

I’m also not a New Year’s resolution person. Those things are pretty much doomed by Valentine’s Day. It’s hard to decide on something every year that’s simultaneously important enough to do, but not so important I mind dooming it to the traditional resolution process.

But I’m on track to have written every weekday (and most weekends) from January on. That adds up to thousands of words, mostly crap, but some okay. Rather than losing steam, I’m more energized than ever. No more dreaming up a good subject, then forgetting it because it worms its way out of my head before I give it attention.

So, the making-actual-time-for-writing thing has become a habit, and I’m going to do the resolution-thing again this year.

Last year my resolution was about self-improvement. This year I’m going to change it up and focus outward. Here’s what I’ve decided:

I will be prompt. This may seem to be another self-improvement resolution, but it’ll make life a lot better for more than just me. With the kids a little older, able to put on their own coats and wipe their own butts (in theory), it’s doable. I don’t have to dress anyone but myself, put anyone in a car seat, pack a diaper bag, gather spare changes of clothing, snacks or bottles.

My chronic lateness is embarrassing, and actually only rarely the kids’ fault. In fact, they’re more likely to be on time if they’re not waiting on me. The handful of times anybody was tardy for school, it was on me.

It doesn’t help that I stopped wearing a watch some time ago when I read a magazine article that listed wearing a watch as a sign you’re old. Young people don’t need to wear a watch. They carry cell phones (they also shave their bikini area). So….goodbye watch, (hello razor burn). Youth before promptness (or a full bush), I always say.

I tell myself I’m tardy because I’m using every minute so efficiently I push the promptness envelope in order to get that ever elusive one-more-thing done. What can I tidy up on my way through the room? I’ll let the dog out once more before my appointment. Can I run by the bank on my way to this meeting?

Mostly, though, I’m just kind of lazy. And I don’t wear a watch.

I will call others by name. I have a terrible memory. I can never remember names until long after my cheery “hey there!” when passing someone on the street.

I’m also insecure. What if I have a brain fart and call someone Sam when his name is Seth? Will he hate me forever?

Mike has a group of friends who do “guy stuff” together. Two out of maybe 10 of them are bald. One of the bald guys is Steve. I’ve mistakenly called the wrong bald guy Steve more than once. Now they’re all just Steve. Or Richard. Richard with the goatee. They think I’m a dingbat, but I tell myself that it’s in a charming way, so it’s okay.

Calling someone by name conveys that you care enough to remember their actual moniker. I do care. I do. I’m also usually thinking about several things at once, one of which is how in the Hell I’m going to get to where I have to be on time.

I’m working through all of it.

But if I run into you on the street this winter and I call you Steve, and you’re not Steve, take comfort in knowing that Steve is probably the name of the bald guy with whom I’m late to meet.

And lend me your watch.

— Beth Markley

Beth Markley is a 40-something fundraising consultant, writer, runner, overcommitted volunteer, wife and mom to two boys who graciously allow her to poke fun of them and all things related to parenting in manicmumbling.com.

You can write!

writingcompetitionlogoCapture the essence of Erma Bombeck’s writings, and you could win $500 and a free registration to the sold-out April 10-12 Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.

The 2014 competition opens Jan. 6. Personal essays of 450 words may be submitted in either the humor or human interest categories until Feb. 17. The piece must be previously unpublished. The entry fee is $15, and the four winners will be announced in late March.

In 2012, 525 writers from seven countries and 48 states entered the competition, which is hosted by the Washington-Centerville Public Library in conjunction with the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.

To learn more details about the competition or to read past winning entries, click here.

Write on!

ww_finalHave you always wanted to write? Do you need a nudge or a kick in the butt to start (or finish) a creative writing project?

Then check out novelist Katrina Kittle’s upcoming classes that start this month in Oakwood, Ohio.  She’ll offer guidance, inspiration, chocolate and coffee. (Not to mention really cool fellow writers who will enrich your life.) For details, click here.  Kittle taught workshops in plot and character development at the 2012 Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.

Creative Nonfiction is seeking new work for an upcoming issue dedicated to memoir.

“We’re looking for stories that are honest, accurate, informative, intimate, and — most important — true. Whether your story is revelatory or painful, hilarious or tragic, if it’s about you and your life, we want to read it,” the editors say.

Submissions must be vivid and dramatic; they should combine a strong and compelling narrative with an informative or reflective element, and reach beyond a strictly personal experience for some universal or deeper meaning. The editors are looking for well-written prose, rich with detail and a distinctive voice; all essays must tell true stories and be factually accurate.

Creative Nonfiction editors will award $1,000 for “Best Essay” and $500 for “Runner-up.”

Essays must be previously unpublished and no longer than 4,000 words. There is a $20 reading fee (or send a reading fee of $25 to include a four-issue subscription to Creative Nonfiction — U.S. submitters only); multiple entries are welcome ($20/essay) as are entries from outside the United States. All essays will be considered for publication in a special “Memoir” issue. The deadline is May 31. For more details, click here.

For an upcoming anthology, In Fact Books seeks essays by writers with insight into the nature and experience of profound psychiatric challenges — as patients, mental health professionals, or both.

“We want well-written, true narratives about the enigmatic, creative, frustrating and triumphant moments of the recovery process and the therapeutic journey. Scientific information should be balanced by the writer’s unique perspective, and the stories should combine a strong and compelling narrative with an informative or reflective element, reaching beyond a strictly personal experience for some universal or deeper meaning,” the editors say.

Essays must be previously unpublished and no longer than 4,500 words. Multiple entries are welcome, as are entries from outside the United States. The deadline is March 1. For more details, click here.

Digging deep for laughs —
Why humor writing is good for you

bombeck1-childrensbookSMALLAny budding writer who has ever attending a creative writing seminar or course will most likely be familiar with the advice to “find your authentic voice” or “write from the heart” and although these phrases are often so overused as to sound trite, the advice is solid.

For any piece of writing to truly dazzle, it comes from that deep place the writer sometimes goes to, when it’s just you and the pen — or keyboard — and the outside world fades away. To come over all Zen like, there is no writer, only the writing.

We’ve all experienced that sense of flow sometimes when you feel like you’re writing from the very core of yourself and the words just pour out of you. For a humor writer, it’s those times when the work takes on a life of its own and the laughs come thick and fast, whether it be black humor, a scathing and witty observation or chick-lit lite. You’re funnier than you ever thought you could be.

Serious Writing

It’s a great place to be. Yet of course, striving to get there can make it all the more elusive. For a humor writer there is also a double bind — there is often a perception that humor writing is, by its very nature, not “serious writing,” which can be taken to mean, not authentic, not coming from that deep place. As Laraine Herring, writing tutor and author of Writing Begins with the Breath: Embodying your Authentic Voice tells us, humorous writing can often come from the deepest source of all — our sense of inner joy, or alternatively as in the case of black humor, our deepest sorrows, be they individual or societal.

In short, humor writing can be simultaneously one of the most fun and yet one of the most serious creative pursuits of all.

Reaching Out to the Reader

There can be no better way of connecting with your readers than to make them laugh, whether that be a bitter laugh at a recognized truth, a giggle at a wry observation or a deep belly laugh at some fundamentally hilarious truth of life.

The best laughs are those that take readers by surprise because such moments are what make readers carry on reading, whether their material of choice is an online copy article, an e-zine essay, a witty novel or a dazzling piece of non-fiction. Laughter, and reading material that makes you laugh, is therapeutic.

A good laugh can make light of the darkest situations, bring people together, even strengthen the immune system and ward off illness. So don’t let anyone tell you that writing humor is anything less than a valuable vocation. At the very least, you’ve brightened up someone’s day.

Connecting with Yourself

What about humor writers themselves? How do we write from that authentic place where our observation skills are keenest, our ability to find humor in the blackest of situations the sharpest, or our wit and verve the lightest — and still be funny? Not to mention, still be happy?

Deep writing can be draining, and giving those insights and often-private thoughts to others in the shape of creative humor can be very draining. It’s no coincidence that high levels of depression can be found among history’s funniest comedians — and among our most talented writers.

To guard against this feeling of being drained — which in turn can lead to the dreaded writer’s block or, disastrously for a humor writer, leave you feeling too bleak to see the funny side of anything — Laraine Herring recommends a period of solitude and/or stillness, every day for at least half an hour. No writing, no thinking about writing, no talking about writing. No reading either. Meditation and contemplation are of course perfect but if you’re not that way inclined, then a hot bubble bath or treating yourself to a massage are other great ideas. Afterwards you’ll be refreshed and recharged, and your writing will benefit.

Creative tutor Julia Cameron, author of the phenomenally successful The Artist’s Way recommends taking yourself on regular “artist’s dates” to inspire the same feeling and even lay the seeds for future writing ideas. An artist’s date could be a trip to the theater, the circus or even a toy store; just make it fun.

Yes, that’s right. Let yourself laugh.

— Claire Parker

Claire Parker is now a freelance writer, but before she chose this precarious path, she worked as a graphic designer and artist. She divides her time between her family, her friends and her computer these days and likes to creatively juggle her workload with a good sense of humor.

It’s a good time

Judy ClarkeThree years ago, when I told husband Peter I was going to take a line dancing class, he envisioned the Radio City Rockettes and he laughed. Then he did his version of a high step-kick across the kitchen.

And I howled.

No, we are not the precision long-legged beauties you see in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. But we do dance in a line, without partners, and we follow a choreographed pattern of steps … at least that’s the idea.

Our class of “seniors” has a heck of a good time. We press on; never mind that we don’t remember the steps that go with the music from one week to the next.  I look forward to Thursday afternoons.

Cass, our instructor, flits across the floor the way a reflection bounces off water.  She must have wondered if she’d ever get through to us.

“Mama Maria” was our first dance. We caught on so slowly. As simple and boring as it seems now, it took us weeks to master.  We now know the names of steps — grapevine, rocker step, jazz box, kick ball change, Charleston, cha cha, hitch —but putting them to the music without Cass’ repeat instructions?  Never happens.

The “old faithfuls” from the original bunch, Lois, Joanne, Barb, Judy R and me, have been joined by “new faithfuls,” Gini, Pat and Gay.

Lois, the stalwart,  never forgets the steps once she’s learned them, though she refuses to count much to Cass’ dismay. “I can’t count and dance,” Lois grumbles. “Which do you want me to do?”  Joanne insists she’ll never learn whatever new dance Cass trots out, but she counts determinedly, concentrates so hard her red hair sizzles, and learns the routine quickly. Barb has a loosey-goosey interpretation of the steps that works for her. Judy R is so polished and perfect when she slips into the room during her lunch hour that she looks the part, so it doesn’t matter if she misses a kick-stomp here, a cha-cha there.

Me, Judy C.? I sweat. You know the saying, “Southern girls glisten, Yankee girls sweat”?  I’m a Yankee.

Early on I caught on to the new dances more quickly than now. “I was better but I got over it,” as my dad liked to say. I had to sit out most of last year because of my crumbling knee. (See Good to go wherever). For months, all I could do was try to learn while sitting on a chair and moving my feet to “mark” the choreography: chair dancing. That helped some, but chair dancing is probably akin to learning how to pole dance without a pole. Not that I’ve ever tried it, nor would I!

Now that I’m able to dance again, my balance has gone kaflooey.  Some of the twists and turns make me feel as if I’m on a Carousel riding a horse that’s made a dash for greener pastures.

Line dancing is usually done to country music, true. But our Cass has eclectic tastes that veer to breakdancing songs, Lady GaGa, gentle waltzes and even Christmas carols. I’m not a fan of the singer who wore a costume made of raw meat, but once I got the steps to “I like it rough,” I changed my tune.

Darius Rucker’s “Wagon Wheel” is our current challenge.  Most of the group have it nailed, but the full turns make me feel like I’m in a centrifuge.  I may have to sit that one out at the Christmas performance.

Alan Jackson’s “Good Time” is my favorite.  Love the beat and that it’s used in this GE commercial.  As a former GE employee, it’s great to see that the giant, rather stodgy company I once knew introduced such a catchy commercial for … ecoimagination?  That term hadn’t even been coined when I retired 25 years ago.  Imagine that!

— Judy Clarke

Judy Clarke is a wife, mother of two daughters, grandmother to two grown grandchildren, reader, writer and blogger in southwest Virginia. Her two non-fiction books, Mother Tough Wrote the Book and That’s all she wrote, can be found on her friends’ and family’s shelves, and she’s working on a novel, But why? (That’s the title of the novel, not a question to self).

Amster-damn

Lois Alter MarkWriting prompt #22: “Begin with the line: Let me start at the beginning.”

Let me start at the beginning.

We were on a tour bus in Amsterdam when the guide mentioned Hans Brinker.

“Who’s that?” my daughter asked me.

“You never heard of Hans Brinker? The boy who put his finger in the dyke?”

There was a pause as the kids looked at me in horror, then looked at each other and burst into the kind of obnoxiously loud, hysterical, can’t-catch-your-breath laughter that is absolutely inappropriate in public places – and impossible to control.

“Put his finger in the dyke?!” spurted my son, gasping for air.

“Oh, my God, you guys, you know what I’m talking about,” I said, rolling my eyes and trying to shush them while the other passengers gave us dirty looks and my husband pushed his Earbuds in deeper.

And so began another Mark family vacation.

You see, we are not your typical travelers.

While most people will tell you their vacations begin with the first stop on their carefully-planned schedule, that often becomes a quickly-forgotten prologue to ours. The real adventures – the ones that end up defining our trip – are rarely on our itinerary.

So, although we had already visited the obligatory sights – the Anne Frank House, the Van Gogh Museum, the canal – our trip to Amsterdam didn’t really begin until the Hans Brinker incident.

When we finally got off that bus, overcompensating for the kids’ rude behavior by overtipping the guide, we were relieved to find ourselves surrounded by coffee shops. “Just like Starbucks!” we sighed, already dreaming of the Dutch equivalent of a Frappuccino. We knew we had to get a drink for Sara, whose laughing fits always result in equally embarrassing hiccups, so we headed over to the one across the street.

On the way in, we were greeted by this lovely plant.

We didn’t really register what it was until we opened the door and were hit by the potent smell of marijuana. The kids’ eyes lit up as they realized coffee shop was an Amsterdam euphemism for smokeshop – and what people of all ages were smoking in there, openly and legally, was pot.

“Ooh, can we try some?” they pleaded. “You know, when in Rome …”

Uh, no. When we visited Rome, we hadn’t let them fight each other in the Colosseum, gladiator style, had we? (Sadly, that’s not a rhetorical question. I honestly couldn’t remember, and I was afraid there was a chance we actually had.)

We turned them around and pushed them out the door, convinced they had already inhaled enough smoke to get high anyway.

“You know, no one looked like they were having a great time in there,” said Sara. “They seemed like they were just pretty out of it.”

Out of the mouths of babes. I solemnly nodded in agreement, while Michael and I telepathically high-fived each other, happy that this unexpected moment naturally offered a lesson that the kids would have probably rebelled against if we had tried to teach it ourselves.

Back outside, we decided to walk over to the Red Light District. Even though the kids were 12 and 14, we felt it was important to see it.

We were sure we had reached it when we saw the red lights. Duh. You can’t fool us.

It didn’t look like much was happening there but Michael took a picture of me in my best you-can’t-afford-me hooker pose next to the red lights – much to the amusement of the passersby.

That was the closest we came to seeing any action there because, needless to say, you can fool us. Half an hour later, we finally came across the infamous windows, behind which barely-dressed women were advertising their wares. There were signs all over the place prohibiting photography, and we knew we were in the right place.

I was strolling with the kids, and Michael was ahead of us when a prostitute – a tall, thin, ebony-skinned beauty – came bursting out of her window, wearing a red satin teddy and thong, click-click-clicking on the sidewalk with her stilettos.

“YOU BASTARD!” she screamed as she tore through the street with surprising speed.

“Wow, some guy must have run off without paying her,” I matter-of-factly explained to the kids, secretly impressed that she could run like that in those shoes.

Just as I turned to see who she was chasing, she tackled Michael – MY HUSBAND! – and started pounding her fists into his back.

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU, YOU BASTARD?” she kept screaming.

The kids’ eyes were huge, Sara’s hiccups were scared right out of her and I knew in an instant that Michael must have taken a photo of the woman while she was in the window. The thing about Michael is he tends to see rules as suggestions.

“YOU DON’T TAKE A PICTURE!” she yelled at him, continuing to hit him hard.

Ever the faithful wife, I piped up, “He didn’t take any pictures.” I was furious with him but wasn’t going to let some other woman beat him up even if he deserved it. That was my job.

Sticking her finger right in my face – or, more accurately, down into my face, since she was Amazonian in height – she looked me in the eyes and warned, “YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

Okay.

“GIVE ME THAT CAMERA!” she demanded of my husband.

“I didn’t take a picture of you,” he said, calmly. “Look.”

He held the camera firmly and rewound it to show her his last few shots. Somehow, while I had been heroically defending him, he had managed to get rid of the evidence.

“I only took a picture of the window,” he assured her. “I’ll delete it now.”

“You can’t go messing with our privacy,” she hissed at him. “Our families don’t even know we’re here.”

He apologized and she high-tailed it back to her window, click-click-clicking down the street until she was out of sight.

I was so angry at Michael, I was ready to hit him myself.

It didn’t matter that he had erased that photo. I knew that the image that would forever be embedded in our kids’ heads was of their father being beaten up by a prostitute. I also knew, though, that somewhere in there they had recorded their mother’s loyalty and their father’s acknowledgement of accountability.

And I realized that Alex and Sara would have very different memories of Amsterdam than pretty much anyone else who had ever been there.

Just like they do of many other places they’ve visited.

Although the family albums on our coffee table feature beautiful pictures of historic landmarks and famous sights, our kids’ internal scrapbooks are filled with a random assortment of adventures that can’t be found in any brochure. Adventures that come from living in the moment and taking the detours.

Like the time we let Sara gamble on a Mediterranean cruise – and she hit a jackpot which she couldn’t collect because she was under age. Or when Michael leaned over the rope barrier at the Hermitage in Russia, causing four guards to cock their guns in anticipation.

But those are stories for another post.

At a recent travel conference I attended, Keith Bellows, editor of National Geographic Traveler, proclaimed, “Passports are the new diplomas.”

I totally agree.

There is nothing more educational than travel. And nothing more powerful than the teachings that come when you stray from the lesson plan.

— Lois Alter Mark

Lois Alter Mark blogs at Midlife at the Oasis and The Huffington Post. In December, she was named the top blogger in Blogger Idol, the premier blogging contest for bloggers. She also won BlogHer Voices of the Year Awards in 2012 and 2013. After being selected as an Ultimate Viewer by Oprah, she accompanied her to Australia on the trip of a lifetime.

Growing pains

portrait“Great hair,” Linda exclaimed profusely, elongating her words the way I wished I could lengthen my hair. “Greeeeat hair.”

“You know?”  I caught the stylist’s eye in the mirror.  “I just wanted a trim?”

“Such body.”  Snip.  Snip.  Snip.  She continued the assault on my head.  Scissors whisked efficiently around me in a whirl; a flurry of hair thickened the air.  “Must be nice.”

I watched with dismay as heavy locks of hair thudded to the floor.  “I’m kind of trying to grow it out a little?”

“Just. Terrific. Hair.”

For more than 30 years, I’ve been trying to grow out my hair, this latest attempt all gone in a poof.  Or rather a series of snips.

* * *

One bright afternoon in May — I was no more than 10 — I took a chair to the patio and handed my mother the scissors.  She lifted one of the long braids, plaited tightly in the style of my heroine, Laura Ingalls.  “Are you sure?”

“Yep.”  I pictured the new me, older, more mature, a sleek bob replacing the braids; city replacing the country.

Mom held the scissors to my hair.  “Ready?”

“Yep.”

Snip.

Boing!  Yes!  My hair actually boinged!  Released from the heavy curtain it’d been toting around for years, my hair suddenly sprung to life.

In a flash, my mother cut off the next braid.  “Do you want to keep them, to remember your hair by?”  She held up the headless braids, still bound up at one end in elastics.

“No.”  I stood from the chair.  “I’ll remember it when it grows back.”  My hair and I boinged our way into the bathroom to inspect the new me.

The new me didn’t have cute, straight hair.  The new me didn’t have a sleek bob. The new me had weird hair, insane hair: The area just above my forehead suddenly developed millions of spare follicles, causing an extra acre of hair to grow there. Hair spiked this way and that, no two pieces ever united. And no amount of styling, gel, hairspray or cutting could tame the beast upon my head.

I resorted to tears.  My mother took me to a salon. “I’m thinking,” the stylist said. I could tell she was trying not to laugh, “a Dorothy Hammil?”

Snip.

Dorothy Hammil.  Nice cut, when you’re spinning in circles at about 100 miles an hour.  But not nice for someone with a hump of spare hair sprouting from her forehead.

“You’ll appreciate it when you’re older,” the stylist told me, pushing the hump into place and securing it with industrial-strength spray.

Eventually, after several years of hair despair, I abandoned Dorothy and settled into a style of my own: the “cut it all off” pixie.  By effectively mowing down the shrub that was my hair, I had won the battle.  But the victory was hollow: Ever since that day in May, I’d imagined myself with long, silky tresses flowing down my back.  With long hair, I’d be elegant, stunning.  I’d look like all of my friends, who’d kept their hair long throughout the fourth grade and into middle school.  With long hair, I’d be able to casually toss my locks over my shoulder, thus attracting the attention of the boys around me.

But instead, I had…elf.  A tallish elf, to be sure.  But an elf nonetheless.  Elves are cute.  Elves are mischievous.  Elves are not stunning.  Elves wear funny hats and funny clothes and have bells on their shoes.  Elves are…well, elves.  Who wants to look like that?

So at least three times a year, when I’m feeling especially adventurous, perhaps crazy is a better term, I try to grow my hair out.  Strange times.  Strange times indeed.  As my hair grows, it passes through some of its own, unique styles.  Caution: Do not try these at home…

Three or four weeks past the scheduled “cut it all off” date, I’ve got the basic Heat Miser look going on.  In the mornings, I get out of bed, fumble for my glasses and head into the bathroom only to discover that I’ve gained 4 inches during the night.  I put out the flames with water and gel and hairspray and a couple hundred swear words.

After the Heat Miser stage, I get to the Baseball Cap.  In this gorgeous style, that extra acre of hair sprouting from my forehead grows forward, not down, and melds itself into something resembling the bill of a baseball cap. Convenient at ball games, and stunning, I suppose, but not in an attractive way.  In this stage, I resort to wearing an actual baseball cap or stay indoors until I grow into the next stage, the full-blown Einstein.  At this level, my hair explodes all over my head in some cosmic detonation that I’m sure has something to do with the mass of my hair.  Here, I make lame jokes.  “Yeah, I look like Einstein, but I’m not smart like him.  Haw haw.”

At 13 weeks, my hair rivals Medusa’s.  If anyone laughs at me, I’ll turn them to stone.

As my hair grows and reasserts it independence, even demanding its own pillow at night, I swear it’s laughing at my folly.  And all those teenage feelings of hair ineptitude come rushing back in.

My hair needs help.  My hair needs a magic wand to make it grow out all at once.  My hair needs some pixie dust.

My hair needs a grow button.

* * *

My mother wouldn’t allow my sisters and me to have Barbie dolls.  Her reasoning, rightly so, was that Barbie dolls set for girls an unattainable standard.  But we still had dolls, plenty of them.  I had a Kiddle doll, which, soon after acquiring, I fed to the dog.  Thereafter, poor Kiddle limped around on half a leg, a permanent dazed look in her eyes.

But my sisters, being older, had Crissy dolls: those magical dolls with the growing hair.  There was a painful-looking plastic dial planted in the center of poor Crissy’s back.  To shorten her hair, you spun the dial clockwise, thus drawing her locks through a hole into the top of her head and into her body.  Stab poor Crissy in her belly button, give her short hair a good tugging, and voila! Long, flowing tresses.  Instantaneous beauty. For a working-girl look, you could take Crissy’s hair to about shoulder length and then for a night on the town, just give a yank and she’d have hair down to her ankles.

Wow.

One of my sisters, she must have been in an industrious mood that day, decided to actually wash poor Crissy’s hair.  And, predictably, Crissy’s hair melted into a thick tangled mass of black piled upon her head.  No matter how much my sister spun that dial, no matter how hard she pushed her belly button, Crissy’s hair situation could not be resolved.  Crissy had horrible hair.  Crissy had my hair.  Yes, Crissy’s reign of beauty had suddenly come to a startling end.  I swear my Kiddle doll stood just a little bit taller on her gimpy leg that day.

* * *

Only once did I succeed in growing my hair out.  I proceeded through the various stages: Heat Miser, Baseball Cap, Einstein, Medusa.  For months, I pinned that hair back, watching it grow bigger and taller, a volcano threatening to erupt past the thousands of pins and combs and gallons of hair spray required to keep it in position.  Eventually, it evolved into a new stage, a stage whose name was coined by my sister: The Aunt Bee (think Andy Griffith) Look.

But finally, after over 18 months, my hair flowed past my shoulders again.  I was triumphant.  I could flip that hair behind my shoulder.  And did.  Often.

But my newborn son yanked at my hair.  He spit up in it.  He rubbed cereal into it.

After a year, I cut it all off.

“How does this look, hon?”  Linda held the scissors above my head.  I glanced at myself in the mirror.  I had reverted from Baseball Cap to the Heat Miser.  Who was I kidding?  I would never have a grow button to magically turn my hair from spiky to long and flowing.  And did I really want to go through those stages all over again, all the way to Aunt Bee?

No.  It was time I learned to accept myself.

“Just cut it all off,” I said to Linda.

Her hands fluttered nervously about my head.  “You sure, hon?”

“Yep.”  It was time to embrace my inner elf.

Linda resumed her snipping, cutting the Miser down to size.

Fully shorn, I paid Linda and left, repeating the mantra to myself: Accept myself.  Embrace my inner elf.  Accept myself… Once outside the salon, I fluffed my hair, ran my fingers through it, the way you can’t in front of a stylist for fear of giving offense.  I stopped before a shop window to glance at my reflection, to stare at my 43-year-old elfish self.  I turned to the side.  Glanced at the…

Wait a minute.  Was that my BUTT?  How did it get so big?

Hell, I don’t need a grow button.

I need a shrink ray.

— Kelly Garriott Waite

Kelly Garriott Waite‘s essays have been published in The Globe and Mail, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Christian Science Monitor, Thunderbird Stories Project, Volume One, Valley Living, The Center for a New American Dream and in the online magazine, Tales From a Small Planet. Her fiction has appeared in The Rose and Thorn Journal (Memory, Misplaced), Front Row Lit (The Fullness of the Moon) and Idea Gems Magazine  (No Map and No Directions).  A work-in-progress has been included in Third Sunday Blog CarnivalThe Contours of a Man’s Heart  and Wheezy Hart.  In 2013, she self-published two short books, The Loneliness Stories and Downriver.

Reflections of Erma