Today is #GivingTuesday, and my friend Tim Bete challenged me to donate $1 for every word of the last thing I’ve written to the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. The last thing I wrote was a Facebook message to a friend, in which I used the words “Absolutely Fabulous” and “Sweetie darling” enough times to match Tim’s donation challenge.
Seriously, though, I will always owe a huge debt of gratitude to former conference director Tim Bete, who is the reason I was first able to attend a sold-out Erma many years ago. The story of how I ended up there is one of those destiny stories. It’s long but it’ll give you an idea of how influential and life changing attending EBWW can be.
In 2004, I had been writing a little humor piece and sending it to family and friends, while I was also writing feature pieces for some small religious magazines. I wouldn’t have considered myself a writer, let alone a humor writer. In February or March of that year, my uncle and aunt were visiting, and completely out of the blue, my uncle said, “Your writing reminds me of Erma Bombeck.” I’d read Erma’s column when I was a kid but hadn’t thought about her for years, so later, just for kicks, I googled her name.
The first thing that came up was the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. I read the description, looked at the list of speakers, and decided I needed to be there. I contacted EBWW only to find out it was already sold out. I got on the wait list and waited.
One magazine decided they wanted me to go to Florida to cover baseball’s spring training; I’m not a sports writer or even a sports fan, but it would have been a new adventure. Only problem? It was the same week as the Erma conference. I still hadn’t heard if a spot had opened up, so just before I booked a plane ticket to Florida, I decided to see how far I’d made it on the conference wait list. I had a gut feeling that I had to be at the conference.
Rather than send an email, I called the conference contact number and got then director Tim Bete on the phone. He told me I was maybe #100 on the wait list. Oh well, I told him, it was worth checking. But Tim kept me on the phone talking about my writing, asking who I wrote for and what else I did, and after about a half hour of us chatting he told me he had a place for me at the conference if I wanted it. Did I want it??? I put together my pennies, and went.
It completely changed my life.
To be honest, I’ve never been super adventurous. But I got in the car and drove to Ohio from Western New York. I talked to strangers at the conference. I soaked up the knowledge from capable speakers. I went home with the assurance that I could write, and a support system of like-minded creatives to fall back on when I doubted myself.
After that conference, Tim started a Google group for humor writers who had a faith background. A few strangers joined the small group, and we became fast, close and devoted friends — online.
The years passed. I went to a few more Ermas, had similar amazing experiences, even had a chance one year to act as a first-round judge for the writing contest. But than I had to stop attending for financial reasons. I always felt a twinge of regret when I saw registration open.
Two years ago, a friend I’ve known only from that original online humor group Tim started 12 years ago asked me to come to a small conference in Pennsylvania and teach a session on writing humor.
His name was Jim, and while our group had supported each other over the decade through personal and creative ups and downs, I’d never actually met him in person. I also knew zero people who were going to be at the conference in Pennsylvania, but I went anyway. It was an amazing experience. I hadn’t been able to afford to go to Erma for years, but at this tiny conference I found a bit of the camaraderie I’d been craving since my last trip to Ohio years earlier.
One afternoon at lunch, I was talking to a group of women I’d only just met and somehow we got on the topic of humor conferences. “You HAVE to go to the Erma conference,” I said, and in just a few minutes, we four — those three close friends and me, the stranger — had agreed to go to Erma 2016.
We kept in touch almost daily over the next six months as we planned, plotted and prepared. Of course, a close friendship grew, and at Erma we not only solidified our new bond, the net was cast for these three amazing women to spread the Erma joy.
So the Erma influence circles round again.
That’s a long story, and doesn’t even begin to speak to the hundreds of things that have happened to me that came about because of someone I met at Erma — chances I took, adventures I’ve had, friendships that have changed the direction of my creative life for the better. The net this conference casts is vast and wide, and can’t be measured in how many book deals are made or paid writing jobs secured. It’s measured in people and relationships, and the way each creative life is inspired by another.
I often wonder what would have happened if Tim hadn’t found a place for me at Erma in 2004. Most likely, I would have thrown in the creative towel and gone to work at a “real job.” I didn’t consider myself a writer back then. I was a dabbler who typed words and dreamed dreams. Erma gave me the confidence and power to become a Real Writer.
If anyone ever questions whether they should go to Erma — or go again and again and again — I hope my story inspires them. It’s worth every penny and every effort you have to make to get there.
— Joanne Brokaw
Humor columnist and award-winning freelance writer Joanne Brokaw spends her days dreaming of things she’d like to do but probably never will — like swimming with dolphins, cleaning the attic and someday overcoming the trauma of elementary school picture day. She’s spent the majority of her professional writing career covering entertainment, freelancing and penning columns for dozens of newspapers, magazines and websites in the U.S. and Canada. She’s received three Evangelical Press Association awards and an Excellence in Writing Award from the Ozarks Christian News. A collection of her columns, What The Dog Said, was published in 2013.
“The workshop sells out in a matter of hours largely because of a steadfast group of passionate writers who have become our social media champions,” said Teri Rizvi, the workshop’s founder. “In the digital age, they have carried the banner of the workshop far and wide. They believe in our mission of inspiring and encouraging writers — and are a huge reason behind our success in drawing writers from all parts of the country and beyond.”
That’s why Rizvi is reaching out to writers in the “Erma tribe” for help in launching the workshop’s first online fundraising drive on Nov. 29 on #GivingTuesday. It’s a global day of giving that harnesses the collective power of individuals, communities and organizations to make a difference in the lives of others and the causes they support.
“Registration fees cover only half the cost of operating the workshop,” Rizvi said. “To keep the workshop affordable for writers, we’re raising money for the endowment fund. The size of the gift doesn’t matter. We’d love to see broad support from those who love the workshop and believe in its future.”
You can make an online donation here.
The workshop has set an ambitious goal of raising $20,000 in contributions by the end of the year to take full advantage of a generous $20,000 matching gift from an anonymous donor. The #GivingTuesday social media campaign is part of that push. Between now and Dec. 31, all donations to the workshop will be matched dollar for dollar, up to $20,000.
1)Download blank UNselfie sign. Share how you are giving back or why you give on the UNselfie sign.
2) Say “cheese!” Hold up the #UNSelfie sign and take your selfless selfie.
3) Share your #UNselfie on social media and encourage your friends to give.
5) We plan to compile a Facebook album, so please send your #UNselfie to firstname.lastname@example.org.
To make an online gift, click here. Checks can be mailed to the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, University of Dayton, 300 College Park, Dayton, OH 45469-7054. If you or your spouse works for a matching gift company, the impact of your gift may be doubled or tripled. Please check here or your human resources office for details.
“We’re continually amazed and inspired by the generosity of all involved in the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop,” Rizvi said. “It’s a community of talented, supportive writers who encourage and empower each other. It’s a workshop that keeps on giving, and we’re grateful to all — keynoters, faculty, attendees and friends of the workshop — for their support.”
Every writer has their pen. I’m fond of the complimentary pens at TD Bank North. Very. In fact, I run errands close to any bank branch or make separate trips for transactions to score a freebie at the deposit slip counter. As a journalist and essayist, there’s just something about the pens I relish: their chunky torso conducive to a firm grip, their cheery green plastic shell, their reliable clacking click. Each drawer in my midst is home to a healthy reserve. My pen has doubled as a dependable sidekick, priceless wing woman, and the ultimate, steadfast writing companion.
Some writers go the fancier route: Mont Blanc or Cartier, others opt for a plethora of popular Pilot pens, still others may choose the basic Bic. I’m a fan of an ‘everywoman’s pen’ — the core characteristic embodied by my lovable writing implement. I hoard at least two at all times. Party purses pose space limitations, but I manage to squeeze in at least one of my precious TDs. I’m an English Major’s English Major, rendered incomplete sans my pen. My very thoughts vanish without it; my mental inkwell is left essentially empty. It’s a withdrawal I don’t fancy and have been known to barter pro bono publicity for a TD or two.
On the rare occasion my TD pen dries up, I miraculously happen upon a spare — at the bottom of my beach bag or under the driver’s seat after a car wash — and marvel at it as if I’m parched in the desert, imagining a water-filled mirage. Like a hair elastic, I keep them stashed in the corners of my life. And feel a bit betrayed when someone ‘accidentally’ keeps one, or my kids ‘borrow’ it. If the TD is one day discontinued, I’ll be the frenzied writer surfing eBay, paying a fortune for a vintage edition.
I’ve seldom strayed from my go-to fav’, but for the time when the bank replaced it with a slimmer, younger model. I was nonplussed, to say the least; I rebelled. Yes, there was a brief time when my TD pen and I were apart — Like Friends’ famed TV couple, Ross and Rachel — “we were on a break.” That skinnier version just wasn’t the same; I tried to remain faithful, but couldn’t get my groove back, so…I pen cheated. There was my short-lived tryst with a miniature Tiffany ballpoint I’d gotten for a milestone birthday. Oh, and that summer affair with a red, Rollerball felt tip, when I went on an editing bender, not to mention my brief stint with a certain tangerine-hued Pentel. I wince to think of my one night stand with that little midnight blue number from the Ritz Carlton.
Though I did stay true to ink; as I’m no mathlete, it’s easy for me to resist the charms of even the sharpest No. 2 pencil. Other than those minor transgressions, I’ve been a one pen gal. To my delight, the unmatched TD pen and I are back together — corporate came around and sensibly reembraced the original. I cheerfully applauded the comeback and contemplated slipping into a little black dress for our reunion.
I’ve since noticed the trusty TD is used by many in the service industry, and feel an immediate kinship with those toting it. It’s as if we’re comrades unaware, or distant cousins meeting by chance, through mutual friends on Facebook. Just last week, the Planet Pizza delivery guy and I shared a moment, declaring our joint preference for the pen. And yesterday, I was equally stoked and bonded with a waitress who enclosed it within a pleather credit card holder. A youngish Millennial, she was not quite as enthused as I, but still agreed the TD was her pen of choice.
With this fervent community of TD pen enthusiasts abounding, I’ve contemplated a secret handshake or even launching an old school fan club, of which I’d be the overzealous president. Or perhaps, I could organize a bona fide lovefest called PenCon, where we’d all wear green attire or maybe sport those snappy, V-neck vests donned by TD’s tellers. I could even develop a catchy tagline and collectively convert others in search of the perfect pen. But until then, I’ll continue campaigning for its admiration and use.
My loyalty has deep roots. The TD and I have experienced much together — it’s the instrument through which I’ve penned endless ‘to do’ lists on oversized, yellow legal pads (my affection for said pads garners an entirely other essay). Not to mention its use during my middle-of-the-night inspirations in the form of nearly illegible words, titles and phrases scribbled on uncooperative ATM receipts or coated magazine covers. My TD pens have inked childhood memories in a keepsake journal, my signature on mortgages, and my son’s early decision agreement. They have scribed the ideas that germinate and become the very backbone of my essays. The TD is an extension of my very essence, mapping the magic of me.
— Aline Weiller
Aline Weiller’s essays have been featured on the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop blog, Brain, Child Magazine, Scary Mommy, Your Teen and Skirt, among others. She’s also the CEO/Founder of Wordsmith, LLC — a public relations firm based in Connecticut, where she lives with her husband and two sons. Follow her on Twitter @AlineCWeiller.
If you are a roommate, you just gotta read this. Being a loner has its perks, especially when I hear all the horror stories from friends with roommates. I suppose being married is the ultimate roommate situation. Here you have two people from two totally different households and backgrounds, with different beliefs, lifestyles, etc., and you throw them together and make them try and live as one. Not an easy task.
It’s funny how little ‘quirks’ can be the driving force in creating a wedge between two friends, even married couples. Whenever I go to others’ homes and observe the problems that arise in the roommate scenario, I think to myself – if I had to make a list, I guess the top three things would be:
#1: The roommate won’t pay his/her share of expenses;
#2: The roommate is a slob;
#3: The roommate has a pet.
Now if I didn’t touch a nerve with one of these, you’re probably in denial. To break this down, I will take apart one problem at a time:
#1: How many times has a person agreed to move in with their roommate, only to find that the roommate loses his job after only one month in the apartment? Now roommate #1 is stuck paying all of the expenses while roommate #2 sits in the house watching television, eating all the food and reaping the benefits that both are supposed to enjoy. This roommate has also become somewhat of a ‘mooch.’ “Hey man, ya got a cigarette?”, “Toss me over one of those beers,” or “Hey man lemme hit that.” (sound familiar?)
#2: It seems one roommate is always the picker upper. Their room is spotless – bed made daily, room is dusted, clothes all neatly put away, while roommate #2’s room looks like something straight out of “Hoarders”. Unfortunately, the roommate’s sloppiness isn’t confined to their room. They leave the bathroom in disarray – wet towels on the floor, smeared toothpaste on the counter, pieces of plastic from their new bottle of contact lens solution, wads of hair from their brushes, etc…(you get the picture). The kitchen is the hardest hit. Dirty dishes everywhere, beer bottles from last night’s party (that YOU paid for, he drank), ashtrays overflowing with cigarette butts (that YOU bought, he smoked) – again you get the picture.
#3: The new four letter word in a roommate’s vocabulary may be PETS! What one person calls cute, furry, playful and fun, the other person finds noisy, smelly, obnoxious and annoying. (and no I am not talking about a husband and wife)! I am describing roommate #2’s doggy or kitty. The same bundle of playful fur to roommate #2 may be a yappy, snippy, shedding shoe-eating ‘demon’ to roommate #1.
I say to me it’s just not worth the bother. I don’t like confrontation, and I will go to great lengths to avoid it. I lived by myself before I was married and have no regrets. When I finally did get married, we were able to accept the differences between us. Sometimes he was roommate #1 and sometimes I was. We learned to compromise on the financial, housekeeping, even pet problems that arose. I think the only one that stumped us was when I wanted a kitten, and he wanted a girlfriend.
— Mari’ Emeraude
Mari’ Emeraude is a writer and poet from Denver, Colorado. This essay is an excerpt from her book, “Your Face Will Freeze Like That” and other stuff mom told us’.
It’s hard to say because babies change by the hour, and need to be changed just as often, but I can tell you this: Because Lilly is so beautiful, she doesn’t look like me.
Figuring out who babies look like is one of the great mysteries of modern science. People — especially parents and grandparents, but also aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors and complete strangers who happen to be passing by and can’t help but comment on how cute the kid is — see who and what they want to see when they see a baby.
If you ask me (you didn’t, but I am going to answer anyway), Lilly looks like her mother, Lauren, who is my younger daughter and is, no thanks to me, beautiful.
When Lilly’s beautiful sister, Chloe, was born three and a half years ago, people (see above) said she looked like her father, Guillaume, a handsome guy with a full head of dark hair, which Chloe had, too. Now, however, Chloe looks just like Lauren, right down to the blond curls.
When Lauren was born, everyone said she looked like me. When her older sister, Katie, was born, everyone said she looked like my wife, Sue. Now people say Lauren looks like Sue and Katie looks like me. I can believe the former, because Sue is beautiful, but not the latter, because Katie is beautiful and I, while not exactly Freddy Krueger, am not exactly Brad Pitt, either.
But back to babies, who are living (and crying, eating, sleeping and pooping) proof that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It has been my observation that they look like whichever side of the family is seeing them at any given moment.
These family members will always comment on how beautiful the baby is and will then add that the little darling has all the traits of either the mother or the father, depending on which one is a direct relative.
It becomes more complicated (and pretty weird) when the comments involve body parts. For example, someone might say, “She has your nose.”
No one ever said that about Katie and Lauren, thank God, because if one of them had my nose, she wouldn’t have been able to lift her head until she was in kindergarten.
Eyes are also big. Mine are. They’re bloodshot, too. Still, they are the feature that people most often ascribe to the mother, the father or, in some cases, the passer-by who turns out not to be a complete stranger.
“She has my eyes,” relatives love to say.
The truth is that if the kid has your eyes, you couldn’t see, which is likely to be the case because, the vast majority of the time, nobody else agrees.
Even if you’re right, you’ll soon be wrong. The baby’s eyes, nose, ears, mouth, hair, hands or feet, which you could swear are just like yours, will soon resemble someone else’s. Then that person will say, “She looks just like me!”
What is indisputable is that all babies, whether they are children or grandchildren, are beautiful. OK, so maybe some of them aren’t, but they’re not related to any of us. And if they are, they have my nose.
So go ahead and see yourself in the new addition to your family. Brag that the little girl or boy is the spitting (and sometimes regurgitating) image of you when you were a baby, or looks like you now, or has all the traits that make everyone in your family so good-looking.
Like a broken clock, you’ll occasionally be right.
But know this: My granddaughters, Chloe and Lilly, are the most beautiful children on earth. If anyone disagrees, it will, of course, get ugly.
— Jerry Zezima
Jerry Zezima, who served on the faculty at the 2010 EBWW, writes a humor column for the Stamford Advocate that is nationally syndicated through the Tribune News Service and regularly appears in the Huffington Post. He’s written three books, Grandfather Knows Best, Leave it to Boomer and The Empty Nest Chronicles. He has won six humor-writing awards from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists and was named EBWW’s Humor Writer of the Month twice. He is the past president of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.
Before you came along, I was always looking ahead — charging forward. Now, I want to stop time. I think about it a lot. I’ll hold you and wish I could just stay in that moment, trying to remember every detail.
Here’s one of my favorite times of day: walking from my truck to the house after a long day of work. I know as soon as I open that door, I’m going to find you crawling on the floor. I’ll call out your name, and you’ll pause for a second before you smile and look over.
I don’t get my jacket or my laptop bag off before I pick you up. There’s dust and dog hair on your knees. Snot’s crusty around your nose, and your hair is hanging in your eyes. That’s my boy.
Your mom and I said we wouldn’t cut your hair until your first birthday. Your grandpa calls you a little hippie. You remind me of Kurt Cobain (you even have that unwashed thing going on with yogurt globs stuck in it).
Now that you’re here, time’s doing the opposite of what I want. It’s moving faster. Life felt crazy when it was just your mom and Claire and I. Now, with four of us, it’s like someone’s locked us on a speeding train. We’re hurtling forward. The scenery’s zipping by.
I can tell you’ve got the Warden genes. Claire could have fallen asleep at a concert when she was your age. Not you. You might be dead asleep. Then, I’ll bite into a potato chip three rooms away. Your eyes shoot open, and your hands curl into fists. I might as well have checked your temperature with an ice cold rectal thermometer.
Claire used to sleep 14 hours a stretch. On a really good night, you go eight (that’s with a belly full of formula and the sound machine pumping ocean waves into your room).
It’s taught me how different we are. We come out of the womb with a certain set of characteristics — some we can change, some we can’t.
There’s a lesson there. Don’t try to turn yourself into someone you weren’t meant to be.
Any day now, you’re going to walk. You surf across the furniture. You stand up in the tub. Here’s what you love:
• Matchbox cars
• Pulling Claire’s hair
• Pulling your own hair
• Riding anything with wheels
• Trying to touch yourself when I change your diaper
• Raspberries on your belly
• Flipping switches
• Playing with electrical outlets
• Covertly eating dog food
• Anything that fits in your mouth and is suitable for gnawing
• Splashing in the water (particularly toilet bowls that your sister forgot to flush)
Here’s what you hate:
• When daddy wears an ape mask without a shirt and beats his chest with his fists (I really thought you’d be amused)
• When Claire yanks toys out of your hand (happens about once an hour on the hour)
• The first few minutes after you see your grandpa (or anyone with a beard for that matter)
• Getting left in a room alone
• When I say goodbye to you at daycare (now, I try to sneak out while you’re distracted)
I know you’re going to talk soon. Your coos and goos and ahs are getting closer to forming words. I foresee epic arguments with Claire. I foresee myself dispensing fatherly advice. I foresee you ignoring everything I say until you’re in your thirties.
If I’m not around then, let me tell you this: “A person is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.”
That’s Bob Dylan — Dylan who just won the Nobel prize and didn’t bother taking the call.
His advice sounds trite and obvious, but f*** it’s hard. Life conspires to make us do things we don’t want to do. It tricks us into thinking we want things we do not need.
We’re always looking outward, thinking about other people’s opinions. That’s the wrong place. We’ve got to look inside.
Jobs titles don’t impress me. Fancy cars don’t impress me. PhDs don’t impress me. What impresses me is someone who forms his own opinion. What impresses me is someone who doesn’t cave in to social pressures. What impresses me is someone who finds the time to help the people around him, someone who reflects on his day and thinks about what he can do better tomorrow; how he can close the gap between the life he leads, and the life he wants to have.
“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything,” Warren Buffett says.
Do the things that matter. Say no to all the other bullsh** our culture tries to push.
Here’s what matters to me: you, your sister and your mother. Sometimes, I think I don’t deserve this little life we’ve carved out, but I’m grateful for it everyday. Thank you, Percy, for coming into this world. You’re my little chicken nugget.
— Fredrick Marion
A former columnist and staff writer at the Palm Beach Post and Rocky Mount Telegram, Fredrick Marion now writes on napkins, blogs and sidewalks. He earned an English degree from Wright State University, and he’s hard at work on his first children’s novel with representation by The Bent Agency. He also writes a weekly email newsletter full of writing tips, which you can find at www.daytonlit.com. Sign up for his weekly emails.
“Get outside, hang the lights round the chimney with care,
Get it done! Hurry up, before Nicholas gets there!”
The children are no help all sleeping in bed,
No visions of sugar plums, but iPads instead.
While Mama dictates I put on a cap
I slip on my boots and a coat with two snaps.
I opened the door and stepped in a puddle.
Then slipped on the lawn and now I see double.
My wife’s in the window, she doubles and laughs,
I staggered and tumbled, tripped over the trash.
My keys pierce my breast, as I’ve fallen you know.
The wind how it blusters, then swirls and blows.
My eyes start to water, some would say tear,
I’ve fallen on Rudolf and other reindeers.
I’m a little old mind you, but lively and quick,
I’m up in a moment all covered in sh…shtuff?
The poop from a beagle had made a large stain.
And I yelled and I shouted and called it bad names.
Doggone it, dangblasted that dog of the Nixons!
Uncommon, dumb stupid, ah darn it I’m freezin’.
I hobble to the porch, then lean against the wall,
Ah-choo-a, ah-choo-a, I sneeze, almost fall.
“Change to dry clothes! You’ll catch a cold and die!”
My wife how she shouted. Her voice how it flys.
So into the house, off trousers and boots,
My coat with two snaps all covered in poop.
And then in a twinkling I knew what to do,
For hanging and dangling of lights from my roof.
I’d wear tightie whities that’s all that I’d wear!
Outside on the ladder I just didn’t care.
It’s only tightie whities on my birthday suit,
As I climbed up the ladder midst laughter and hoots.
‘Twas the neighbor named Floyd who lives just out back.
“Hey Santa!” he said “Where’s your clothes and your sack?”
My eyes they were stinging, the rain made them blurry.
My cheeks were like roses, my nose like a cherry.
My fingers were freezing, my toes were so cold.
As I worked from the ladder, hang lights, as I’m told.
The ring of a hook I held tight in my teeth.
My hands worked the cord, the lights and the wreath.
I hold tight to the ladder with my face and my belly.
The ladder it shakes! It’s my wife and she’s yelling.
“Hey chubby! Two lights, both match, you need help?”
And I laughed as yelled, “A go #%*%#€ yourself!”
With the blink of an eye I’ve set the screw head.
Hang green lights together, her anger I dread.
She spoke not a word, didn’t go berserk.
Then I climbed down the ladder, “I’m finished work!”
Then laying her fist aside of my nose,
It felt rather odd, then my face met my toes.
I then sprang to my feet, gave Floyd a whistle.
We hopped in the car, drove to town ore the trestle.
And I heard her exclaim as we drove out of sight,
“Two green lights together, together green lights!”
PS. #%*%#€ spells bite kids. It’s an old ancient spelling.
— Bob Niles
Bob Niles, who answers to Robert, Bobby, Dad, Grandpa, Unit No.2 (his Dad could never remember all the children’s names), honey and super hero, is new to writing but not to storytelling. “I like to make people laugh and to think, with a secret desire make them dance and send me untraceable $100 bills in the mail,” says the happily married, retired father and grandpa from Richmond in British Columbia, Canada. He blogs here.
You know, the ones where a novice cook forgets to defrost the turkey, or didn’t remove the bag of innards out before stuffing the bird. Or they burned a pie or the rolls or put too much seasoning into a side dish or dessert. Every family has a disaster story, and most are shared over and over each year in the name of tradition, much to the cook’s chagrin.
We have very few Thanksgiving disasters to share because my mom is such an excellent cook. However, every year we relive the moment in our family’s history known as, “When Turkeys Fly.”
One of the best things about holidays is that one usually remembers all the sights, sounds and tastes. From the decorations to the mood music or games on in the background, the day is ripe to heighten the awareness of one’s senses. What better smell is there than a pie baking or a turkey roasting? And what better sound is there than an electric knife that is cutting up slices of juicy turkey? To this day, whenever I hear an electric knife, I think of Thanksgiving.
To really appreciate this story, you’d have to understand my dad. He was a character in every true sense of the word. He was a sports nut — watched anything that moved — and other than assisting with the setting of the table, his only other responsibility on Thanksgiving was carving the turkey.
Anyhow, back to the disaster story. It was a Thanksgiving Day like any other. The turkey was huge, and hot out of the oven. Dad was getting prepped for his annual carving gig. He let the turkey set a few minutes while he grabbed the serving tray, meat fork and the electric knife. Most importantly, he got the channel set on the TV in the kitchen so he could watch his football game while slicing. And since he was an expert carver, the only cuss words we would hear while he was in the kitchen were directed at his favorite football team, the refs or coaching staff.
One memorable Thanksgiving, we heard an odd noise coming from the kitchen and a stream of curse words that would make a sailor blush. Voices were raised to a fevered pitch. As we all ran to the kitchen, our dog included, we saw my mother’s hard work sliding across the kitchen floor. If you have never heard a hot, 26-pound, buttery turkey hit the floor, it sounds a bit like a slithery thud enhanced with splattering smacks and muffled a bit by stuffing tufts hitting the cupboards.
Emotions were running high. My mother looked like she was about to cry, and my father and maternal grandmother were escalating their voices in a shouting match. Grandma could finally prove to the world her daughter married a putz, and he could prove to the world that his mother-in-law harbored a grudge.
Now, there are two versions to this story — his and hers.
Dad insisted Grandma was in his way at his carving station, and because of her, the turkey landed on the floor. Grandma insisted that Dad’s torso was completing contorted as he was twisting and craning his body to see the game, and that he wasn’t paying attention, and he knocked the turkey to the floor. Considering their history, she could have purposely blocked the TV, never knowing how bad the drama would ensue. To this day, we don’t know the truth and probably never will. The only live creature who wasn’t upset with the poultry problem running afoul was our dog, which enjoyed her happiest Thanksgiving ever as she assisted in cleaning up the floor.
Thank goodness for all the side dishes because the little bit of turkey that hadn’t landed on the floor didn’t go far among the 20-plus gathered for dinner. Supposedly my dad cut off the portion that hit the floor and tossed it out — though I believe he probably saved it and ate it out of spite, under the guise of proving it was safe to eat.
For years afterwards, every Thanksgiving this story was resurrected, and every year we were guaranteed the debate would continue as to whose fault it was. And whether it was divine intervention or my mom’s stealth coordination, my grandmother was never in the kitchen again when Dad carved the turkey.
May your Thanksgiving be filled with memorable moments and may it be a no-fly zone for turkeys.
— Lynne Cobb
Lynne Cobb is a metro Detroit freelance writer, with articles, essays and blog posts featured in major and local dailies; national and niche magazines; and various Websites, such as Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, HuffPost50 and Midlife Boulevard. Recently, a blog post was published in the popular anthology Feisty after 45 — The Best Blogs from Midlife Women. Keep up with Lynne and her “Midlife Random Ramblings” at lynnecobb.com.