The subject was bound to come up sooner or later. When we die, what do we want done with our remains?
My husband decided he would prefer a cremation. I should get a nice urn and have his ashes sprinkled over water. I should rent a small plane and when the pilot is low and slow over the Gulf of Mexico, I am to release his ashes.
The problem I have with that plan is that when Scott used to take me flying, I was not the best passenger. He loved to take steep turns as I held on, leaning in the opposite direction in pure fear. I actually believed that if I leaned far enough, I could somehow level out the plane. It never worked. He also loved aerobatic flying. I was so grateful that the Pitts Special aerobatic plane was never mentioned for his release. The thought no sooner entered my mind and I heard him say, “I think I’d prefer being in a Pitts special doing a tail slide.”
Once we had his plan established and I stopped crying, he asked, “What shall I do with you?” His eyes looked sad. Neither of us enjoyed talking about these plans of our demise.
“I’d prefer to be stuffed,” I told him as I blew my nose.
He shook his head, “What did you say?”
I repeated, “I want to be stuffed. I want you to find a taxidermist who will make me look marvelous. I’m hoping they’ll have some sort of gel so you can pose me.”
“Why in God’s name would I want to pose you? You’ll be dead!”
This man is totally clueless! “If I die first and you bring women home, I want to be looking like serious competition in the bedroom. You know that Lifestyle Lift I want? Get me one with my insurance money.”
I’m hoping that by the time I die, there will be scientific methods to keep me limber. I could be like a female Gumby. He put his head in his hands.
“Seriously, you could move me from room to room. Since I’ll just have new stuffing, I won’t be heavy. If you’re sitting on the deck, just bring me out. Put a glass of wine in front of me and party on!”
I was feeling much better now. Death didn’t seem so final and sad. I could still light up his life, so to speak, like a dim bulb. Scott mentioned this idea to my brother-in-law and he suggested having a bag made to fit over my head so women think I’m just a clotheshorse.
“Now that is just disrespectful!” I growled.
The more I think of this plan, the more ideas I come up with. He could dress me to match the seasons and holidays. Since I’d be pliable, it would be easy to change my outfits. I could even be a decoration on our front porch. I could be Mrs. Claus at Christmas and be a witch at Halloween. The possibilities are endless!
He always wondered what I’d look like with brown eyes. This would be his big chance. He could purchase removable eyes on Amazon and a few wigs and I could be the woman of his dreams. The after world is looking pretty bright now.
Scott is calling me to go have a glass of wine with him on the deck now. I wonder if I should wait to see if he comes to carry me out. He’s going to need the practice!
— Anne Bardsley
Anne Bardsley, of St. Petersburg, Fla., is the author of the soon-to-be-published ANZ World…How I Earned My Wrinkles, a collection of humorous and sentimental stories about marriage, motherhood and menopause. She lives in a menopausal world with a husband who gives her wrinkles. When people ask her age, she sometimes tells them her bra size. “36-C,” she says, “was a wonderful age.”
There was a time when I took pride in the fact that my house was one of the busiest (and noisiest) on the street. I had four children of my own, took care of five others during the after-school hours and maintained a revolving door for all the neighborhood kids to come over whenever they chose.
On one particular rainy afternoon, I counted 17 kids (ranging in age from 10 to 17) in my matchbox-sized home. I’m convinced that this is when my love for margaritas began.
My house was always LOUD. Music blasting, televisions blaring, giggling, squealing and raucous games of basketball in the driveway — this was the norm. The chaos never bothered me. I loved my role as the entertaining “cool” mom and was happy to provide enough calorie-ladened snacks to feed an army brigade.
I was also 10 years younger with an endless supply of energy that could rival the stamina of the Energizer bunny.
Three of my four children have grown and flown the coop. The last one still at home is 18 and he’d rather have a root canal than spend an evening at home with dear old Mom and Dad. This allows us quite a bit of wiggle room for privacy and a glimpse of what life will be like when the last one packs his bags and heads off to college (hopefully to a school on the other side of the continent). This is why I know I’m going to LOVE being an empty nester:
* A lower grocery bill. My supermarket expenses will finally be lower than my monthly mortgage payment. I will no longer need to buy stock in toilet paper, milk or Axe body spray.
* My car insurance rates will drop, but so will my tax deductions. Perhaps the IRS will count fostering male dogs with bathroom handicaps as a tax deduction.
* My house will stay clean. No more hazardous waste piles of laundry or a bathroom requiring a Hazmat team to scrub it clean.
* We can travel spontaneously anywhere in the world — or maybe just to Walmart — without needing to hire a babysitter.
* No more math homework (Y=mx+b… HUH?), erupting volcanoes in the kitchen (science experiment) or 30-page term papers on the Civil War that create tears of frustration (and several shots of tequila for mom).
* My husband and I can finally have a REAL adult conversation instead of the usual: “Has he pooped today? “Did she eat her greens?” “Make sure he brushes his teeth before bed.” “Does she want fries with that?”
* No more detailed school supply lists from teachers (what do you mean you need a specific brand of environmentally safe markers made in China by three-fingered panda bears?). And no more expensive school uniforms (Honey, you’re NOT wearing a plaid mini skirt and heels to school in a reckless attempt to imitate Jenna Jameson in an adult movie!).
* I don’t have to cook for a crowd every night. The Hubs and I will be perfectly content to snarf down a bowl of Cocoa Puffs for dinner while watching an episode of “Hoarders.”
* No more part-time job as a taxi driver chauffeuring kids in a beat-up mini van to choir, gymnastics, karate, dance, soccer, cheerleading or band. It also signifies the end of chaperoning school field trips to the zoo and getting parrot poop on my head.
* Sex 24/7. Every night can be a date night, and every moment is a Cialis moment. The only thing that’s missing is matching bathtubs in a wildly inappropriate place, like the tool aisle at Sears.
As I revel in my thoughts of newfound freedom, my 18-year-old son informs me he has picked the college he’d like to attend — and it’s only 10 minutes from our home. Looks like my empty-nester plans will have to be put on hold a little bit longer. But I can still dream, can’t I?
— Marcia Kester Doyle
Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humorous blog “Menopausal Mother,” where she muses on the good, the bad and the ugly side of menopausal mayhem. She is a staff writer for In The Powder Room and HumorOutcasts.com and a contributing writer for What the Flicka. Her work recently captured first place in VoiceBoks Top Hilarious Parent Bloggers 2014, and her first book will be released in the spring through Blue Lobster Publishing. Marcia’s work has appeared on Scary Mommy, Mamapedia, Bloggy Moms, Messy Mom’s Radio, The Woven Press, the Life Well Blogged series and was voted Top 25 in the Circle Of Mom’s Contest 2013.
It is T-12 hours, and I am outside digging around in the trash can. This might not be how most wives prepare for their husband’s return from a business trip, but it works for me. T-12 hours is when I start hiding the evidence of the single lifestyle I’ve been enjoying while he is gone.
Two hours earlier, I am on Skype with a friend. I am trying to tell her about my long, crazy day, but I can barely get a word in between the mouthfuls of pizza I’m cramming down my throat. “Did you chew that last bite? Slow down already, what’s the big hurry?” she asks. Duh. It is ticking towards T-12 hours and my window for living on the wild side is quickly closing.
It is the next evening, and all is back to normal in our house. Vegetables steam on the stove. Fresh pasta is slurped off of plates. Fruit is the main ingredient in dessert. Papa is back home and all evidence of our poor food choices is sitting at the bottom of the local landfill.
Today I ran a very unscientific office poll to see if anyone else does the same thing. I had no idea that the question was going to spark off 20 minutes of reminiscing over the pieces of toast they’d been caught eating at 11 p.m. British people, apparently, really like toast. We waxed poetically about saying no to seconds and then sneaking away at midnight for toast with nutella. We bonded over the mortification of being caught fishing the toast out of the opening. “Toast at 11 p.m.? Why don’t be silly! I’m just getting a jump start on the morning.” We all agreed that the absolute worst is when the wine glasses clink together when you are trying to sneak one out of the cabinet at 10 p.m. DARN YOU GLASSES!
I learned today that everyone sneaks around. Everyone has some behavior that they don’t want their other half to know about. For many of us, it is the three cookies and the glass of wine we guzzle in the dark corner of the kitchen. For others, it may be a sister-wife in the house next door or a cross-dressing fetish. Whatever works, I say!
These little acts of rebellion play a big role in my happy marriage. They help remind me of who I was before I became a we. They give me a healthy outlet when the vexation of him leaving his dirty socks on my side of the bed AGAIN might otherwise send me looking for a gun or a gallon of poison. They certainly help fill the large gap that his absence creates.
That is why, no matter what anyone else says to me, I will never regret my midnight dumpster dives where I bury the pizza boxes and beer bottles. If that is the worst thing that middle-age marriage throws my way, I think I am doing pretty darn well.
— Lynn Morrison
Lynn Morrison is the author of the award-winning humor blog The Nomad Mom Diary. An American mom, she is raising two prim little girls in England along with her Italian husband. She is a regular contributor to BLUNTmoms and will be included in the 2014 blogger anthology I Just Want to Be Alone.
My head is cloudy. My body aches. I’m a drippy, stuffy mess, but as mom, there’s no time for that, no time at all. Children must be corralled, lunches made, activities organized. So even though I’d like to lie down, close my eyes and nap, I’m moving and shaking, although the shaking might just be from the chills.
My husband comes downstairs, a look of exhaustion fixed on his face.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, busy doing what needs to be done.
“I can’t breathe,” he says. Can you hand me a tissue?” He looks at me pleadingly, like a little boy.
“Here,” I say annoyed and hand him the tissue box. Can’t I have this sick day? Can’t being sick even be about me? “Would you like a sticker now?” I ask sarcastically.
“Maybe some juice?” He makes puppy eyes, but at the moment, I just think he’s a dog.
I try to take a deep calming breath but my nose is stuffed, so I just swallow a little mucus and choke, but no one notices. If I wasn’t so weary, I might have something snarky to say. Instead I just hand him a cup of juice, but I do it with a scowl.
Because if he has a cold, it seems like pneumonia.
If he’s nauseous, he’s hacking in the bathroom some inhuman sound reserved for dying animals.
If he’s under the weather, it’s a blizzard in Minnesota.
So while there’s definitely something wrong with my husband, mainly he just sucks at being sick. And if I’m not feeling well, his symptoms somehow worsen. Not that I think he does it consciously, but…
Me: I don’t feel so well.
Him: Me either.
Me: My head hurts.
Him: Mine, too. And my throat.
Me: That’s weird.
Him: Yeah, I’m really achy.
Him: Yeah. In fact, I think I need to lie down. Could you make me soup?”
Apparently, women aren’t allowed to be sick. Ever.
And it’s not just my husband. I’m prepared to throw all men under the bus here. According to women everywhere, men just can’t handle the pain. They wheeze and whine, they moan and complain, they need lollipops and cool compresses, while the wives nurse the baby while standing up, cooking dinner and overseeing homework, all with a 103 temperature, a broken leg and three broken arms. Yeah, three.
It makes me re-think some of the turns of phrase I randomly use without thinking, like “Take it like a man” or “Man up.”
How did these become part of the vernacular? I think ‘Take it like woman’ is more appropriate and from now on I’m telling my boys to ‘Mom up,’ because if there’s something we know how to do, it’s suffer.
Don’t bother passing me the tissues, I’ll just get them myself.
Marital Disclaimer: Just to be clear and not because he’s reading this, my husband is very manly. He’s the coach of everything, he kills spiders, climbs ladders, fixes stuff and likes nothing more than chips on the couch and sports on the TV. In fact, my husband can beat up your husband, unless of course he’s sick.
— Alisa Schindler
Alisa Schindler is freelance writer who chronicles the sweet and bittersweet of life in the suburbs on her highly entertaining blog www.icescreammama.com. Her essays have been featured on Mamapedia.com and Bonbonbreak.com as well as in the book, Life Well Blogged. She is a member of “Yeah Write,” an online community for writers, where she has won the Jury Prize multiple times in the group’s weekly essay writing contest. She has just completed her first novel that she feels comfortable showing to someone other than her mother.
I beg your indulgence. I fear I am going mad. The fashion world is making all styles smaller than usual, and my washing machine seems to be shrinking everything else, even those items I’ve never washed.
There is noise emanating from my bedroom. Yes, it is true. My clothes want to go back in the closet. They have revolted. Not simply because I stretch them to distraction. They whisper about my fickleness, and they take it personally.
They are not wrong when they talk of me forgetting them whenever I purchase something new that does not cut off circulation.
It is true. I can love my outfit, not be seen without it off my back for weeks, but alas, as soon as another catches my fancy and fits my fanny, well frankly, the others no longer exist in my memory.
Hello. My name is Jan and I am A CLOTHES SLUT.
At this moment a sailor outfit wants out. It claims white is not my color, and it is quite militant about that. I have pleaded and cajoled, but I know the rage it is experiencing is actually from neglect. Aside from the fact that I just bought a big-boy combat shirt at an Army surplus store and I am blinded by love for this kaki cookie, the sailor blouse is a size 6. I have not been a size 6 since, well since I was six!
I’m thinking of loaning it to my petite friend as a foster outfit, to live with her until I am able to use kale as my primary food source till my old clothes are no longer noisy and vengeful. I have not had a good night’s sleep in ages. The clothes are loudly vindictive. They purposely fall off hangers, cling to one another or play hide and seek when I am in a hurry.
Fortunately, I am now seeing a clothing counselor.
Dr. Plink, the shrink, (although why they are called that I’ll never know since I am the same size since I began therapy) thought it best that I go on a journey alone to find myself. I packed my shirt and left a note for the clothes. I am on my way to me land, and I do not have a map.
Hey, don’t blame me for my heft. It is said that television makes us appear 10 pounds heavier. I have three.
Thirty pounds of fake fat, perhaps an optical illusion. Still, I am on a train for Katemoss Mountain to find answers and maybe a cupcake.
(Perhaps soon my one-size-fits-all pantyhose will no longer fall on their knees begging for mercy).
— Jan Marshall
Jan Marshall has devoted her life’s work to humor and healing through books, columns and motivational speaking. As founder of the International Humor & Healing Institute, she worked with board members Norman Cousins, Steve Allen and other physicians and entertainers, including John Cleese. Her newest satirical survival book, Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! is dedicated to Wounded Warriors, Gabrielle Giffords and Grieving Parents. She donates a percentage of the profits to these organizations as well as to the American Cancer Society and the American Brain Tumor Association.
A friend recently called me, upset because she got a $350 ticket for talking on her cell phone while driving. “It was important,” she wailed. But it seemed no amount of explaining would convince Officer DoRight that the need to move her massage appointment from 2 to 4 p.m. constituted an emergency.
Cell phones have changed the way we communicate with family, friends, co-workers and even spouses. 20-something newlyweds text each other while in the same room. Couples have proposed or divorced via text messages.
But of all the changes we see cell phones making in our culture (including the apocalyptic demise of grammar and spelling), one of the most significant is that we’ve somehow come to expect 24-hour availability from anyone on our speed dial list.
In the old days (yeah, anything before 2005), people would leave messages on answering machines and wait patiently for a return call that evening, or even the next day. We understood that people had lives and were not attached to their phones like portable oxygen masks. But we’ve gradually come to expect that if you have a cell phone, you’re expected to answer every call and return every text message right freaking now.
So today, I’m offering up my list of 14 reasons (no matter how crazy I am about you or that we’ve been friends since 1963) I might not pick up when you call.
1. I’m in the shower. It’s hard to hear under a waterfall, and my phone insurance doesn’t cover water damage (or stupidity, like, say, taking your cell phone into the shower).
2. I’m in a restaurant. People who have normal-volume conversations with someone across the table will pick up their cell phone and start shouting loudly enough to be heard in Botswana. Yes, the caller can hear you, but so can everyone else for six blocks in any direction.
3. I’m at work, and my crazy boss assumes my phone conversations will be about, well…business. (But if those fabulous boots we saw last weekend are now on sale, text me.)
4. I’m driving. If you don’t have $350 worth of news, leave a message and I’ll call you at the next truck stop.
5. I’m having a massage. Yep, as in naked, lying on a warm table, incense burning and a CD of crashing waves, all working together with a massage designed to bring the feng back to my shui, totally obliterated by your multiple redials, simply to remind me to pick up some creamer for your coffee.
6. I’m having sex. In the movies, they always stop and pick up. Seriously?? My phone has sailed out the window, been tossed down the hall, and one time, thrown under my car. (Don’t ask.) Even during bad sex (Bahahahaha! I crack myself up), in which case we’re going back into the bedroom until we get it right. I’ll get back to you tomorrow.
7. I’m on the potty. I’ve never been one to pee and chat simultaneously. And if it’s a long conversation, does one flush while talking (which can be heard by the person on the other end, forever outing you as a toilet talker), or do you come back and flush after you both hang up? Social etiquette sites don’t address this one, so I’ll call you back when I’m done, okay?
8. I’m going through airport security. These people are cranky monkeys (particularly after being yelled at by pissed-off travelers all day long), and when they say “Ma’am, put that phone down now,” unless you have an unfulfilled fantasy about being strip-searched while the contents of your luggage get tossed around like a fruit salad, you should just Put. The. Phone. Down.
9. I’m writing. Even Hubs knows to stay clear unless the house is on fire and it’s reached the hallway, but otherwise wait until I come out, all bleary-eyed and brain dead from four hours of editing my latest draft post. Too often, a great thought is working its way into a post, but irretrievably vaporizes after a 10-minute phone chat about where to meet for lunch.
10. I’m getting a tattoo. No, I’ve never had one, but I can see the unfortunate result of leaning over to grab your phone while Mr. Nasty Needle is filling in the exotic bloom on your left breast, which now looks less like a Bird of Paradise and more like a really long party favor.
11. I’m at the gym. It’s obvious that the guy on the treadmill next to mine, who has been arguing with his wife (apparently named “You Bitch,” because he’s been calling her that for the last 45 minutes), seems to believe that we’re all either deaf and can’t hear them as they loudly resolve which one of them had an affair first, or that we can hear and are fascinated by their dramatic, reality-TV life.
12. I’m getting a pap smear or a mammogram. In the first, all I can do is peer over the sheet to see a couple of people seriously focused on my lady parts, and in the second, I’m pretty much out of the game because my breast is securely sandwiched between two metal plates, both positions effectively preventing any movement on my part, up to and including reaching for my phone.
13. I’m watching a movie. I prefer movies to TV shows because I don’t like interruptions (After the seventh senior incontinence commercial, I lose the plot and the mood). I tend to turn my phone off for movies, even though it’s the 17th viewing of The Notebook.
14. I’m at a wedding or a funeral. Looking coy and slightly embarrassed when your phone goes off during someone’s wedding vows is only slightly less rude than actually answering it and getting up to leave the service, with an audible whisper, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to take this.” If you’re that busy and important, skip the service and send a card.
So unless you’re a family member with unresolved anger issues and feeling the need to vent (again) for an undetermined length of time, a stalker ex-boyfriend who still believes we’re destined to be together, or an English-as-a-ninth-language sales guy with a condo in Rio you’re selling for half price because, dammit, I deserve it (in which case, I’ll get back to you, yeah, never), I promise to return your call as soon as I’m not doing any of the above activities.
In the meantime, as they say, “Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message, and I’ll get back to you as quickly as I can.”
— Vikki Claflin
Oregon writer Vikki Claflin writes the popular humor blog, Laugh Lines. Two recent pieces have been published in Life Well Blogged: Parenting Gag Reels — Hilarious Writes and Wrongs: Take 26.
There have been many little boys in the storyline of my life. They have been a mixed bag of babies, toddlers, kids, young men and full grown (but not grown up) ones. They all, from time to time, pick up a hammer, and wield it. No matter what age, they all do the same thing. They weigh it in their hand, look at it for a long moment, savoring the potential.
I can still picture my little brother wearing nothing but a diaper stumbling around the house with our father’s hammer, like a little drunken avenging angel. The hammer was too heavy for him, but he was going to find a nail to hit, and hard. My son has built a lemonade stand and learned the hard way that a hammer requires a measure of accuracy to operate.
Although power tools are likely the preferred implement these days, the hammer is one of the most basic tools since man used rocks to hang skins on cave walls. Generations of men and boys have felt the satisfying smack of a perfect delivery when the hard metal head connects with the head of a nail, or a cat.
Hammers are integral in the acquisition of hand-eye coordination and visual accuracy. They are also a great motivator for emergency response systems. Nothing can cause a mother to move faster than seeing her son careening along behind his sister, wielding a hammer.
Setting aside the murderous potential of a 5-year-old and his dad’s hammer, the male and hammer construct is important. The role of modern males is so fraught with contradictory messages. They must be strong, and gentle, and fatherly and warriors. Men must be everything. To this I say, let them have a hammer. Let them learn to put up pictures, scare their siblings and drop it on their own toes. These are all critical life lessons. Nothing teaches planning and caution like a blackened-impact wrecked thumbnail.
And ladies, the next time you see a hammer just lying around, pick it up and feel the power of potential mass construction. It is exhilarating.
— Magnolia Ripkin
Magnolia Ripkin is like that mouthy opinionated aunt you always regret inviting to family dinners. She drinks too much, then tells you how to run your life. Although she is usually right, it feels like you just got a glass of cold water in the face. Channeling Erma Bombeck and Dear Abby, this matriarch can be found flinging out blunt advice on her blog magnoliaripkin.com. She is also the editor in chief at bluntmoms.com, a contributor to the upcoming anthology, I Just Want to be Alone and a regular contributor to the Huffington Post.
Here’s an opportunity to support an excellent cause — and meet one of the headliners at the 2014 Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.
For the past 18 months Mary Lou Quinlan has toured the country with her moving one-woman show called “The God Box, A Daughter’s Story.”
Next stop: Off-Broadway’s historic Cherry Lane Theater in a performance to benefit Gilda’s Club.
The performance, one of five in March, is slated for 7 p.m. on Monday, March 3. To order tickets, click here. All proceeds will go directly to this free cancer support center, which was founded by Gene Wilder in honor of his wife, Gilda Radner. Tickets include the show and a wine reception.
Quinlan is a nationally known marketing expert, an inspirational speaker and the author of four books, including The God Box, which became a New York Times’ bestseller in just three weeks. She co-wrote the play with Martha Wollner of the Labyrinth Theater Company.
What’s behind the popularity of The God Box? It’s a heartfelt story that speaks to life’s deepest lessons of faith, love, hope and, ultimately, learning to let go.
When Quinlan’s mother died, she discovered 10 boxes filled with her mother’s worries, wishes and prayers spanning two decades.
“The more I reread what she had written, the more I realized that these notes filled with loving words were more than mementos,” Quinlan writes in the book’s introduction. “Fingering each slip of paper, I could reclaim her sparkle and common sense, her humor and optimism and — above all — her enduring spirit. And ever my guardian angel, Mom would continue to teach me about myself, even after death.”
Quinlan donates all the proceeds from ticket and book sales to health, hospice and cancer care, as well as charities and not-for-profit organizations dedicated to women, family and educational causes. To date, she’s raised more than $180,000.
“It’s the perfect show for mothers, daughters, girlfriends — anyone who ever loved,” she says. “You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll want to call your mother.”
Here’s the March touring schedule:
7 p.m., March 3, Cherry Lane Theater in New York City to benefit Gilda’s Club
2 p.m., March 9, Arcadia University Spruance Theater in Glenside, Penn., to benefit Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia
7:30 p.m., March 10, Saint Joseph’s University Bluett Theater to benefit Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia
7:30 p.m., March 11, Innovation Studio in Kimmel Center for the Performing Arts in Philadelphia to benefit Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia
5 p.m., March 22, Bickford Theater in Morristown, N.J., to benefit Cancer Support Community Central New Jersey
For a complete calendar of events, click here.